The Do’s & Don’ts of Supporting a Loved One with Betrayal Trauma
When a person close to you experiences a traumatic betrayal, it can be challenging to know what to do or how to best support them as they work toward recovery and healing. It is common for loved ones to feel overwhelmed, confused, and lost in how to support their betrayed friend or family member. Whether they are feeling shock, anger, sadness, loneliness, or even confusion, your intentional presence and support can make a significant difference in their healing. This article can serve as a guide for how to best support your loved one as they navigate through the very difficult and complex emotional experience of betrayal recovery.
When someone experiences a betrayal such as infidelity or a major deception, they are likely experiencing a sense of loss of their relationship as they knew it along with a loss of the belief that this trusted person would never hurt them. Recovery from betrayal trauma can take time and often requires support from mental health professionals as well as their community. With the right support, individuals can work to rebuild their sense of trust not only in their partner, but in their relationship with themselves and other people in their life. When someone experiences betrayal, it is often difficult for the individual to feel like they can trust themselves due to living with the deception and not knowing until discovery; thus, recovery from betrayal trauma can take time to both grieve this loss and begin to rebuild a sense of confidence and trust in themselves and others. Understanding this concept can help friends and loved ones provide more compassionate support to someone going through this difficult experience.
The Do’s of Supporting a Loved One with Betrayal Trauma
Do Stop and Give Undivided Attention. Put away distractions and focus entirely on them.
Do Recognize Your Own Feelings. Acknowledge what emotions arise for you when they share their experiences. Recognize the discomfort you may experience that might prevent you from being fully present with their pain.
Do Reflect and Clarify. When listening to their struggles, frustrations, and feelings, paraphrase what they say and encourage them to clarify their feelings. This can help them verbally process their emotions with a safe sounding board.
Do Empathize and Validate. Avoid jumping to solutions or thinking in black-and-white terms. While it can be anxiety-inducing to not be able to “fix” their pain, being with them in the contradicting emotions and validating this challenge can be much more impactful for their healing.
Do Share Intentional and Explicit Support. Let them know that you will accept and love them for any decisions they choose to make during their recovery from betrayal trauma.
Do Be Patient. Don’t rush them through their grief; allow them to process at their own pace. There may be times where they make great strides toward recovery, and other moments where it feels like they have moved backwards. While it may feel frustrating or disappointing to watch a loved one experience this, it is completely normal.
Do Engage in Relaxing Activities. Spend time doing enjoyable things together to relieve stress. Your role as a support person is great for engaging in distracting activities and supporting them in reconnecting with who they are outside of their pain and trauma.
Do Support Their Boundaries. Respect their need for space and privacy when necessary. Respect the boundaries that they put in place with the person who betrayed them, whether you agree with them or not. They may also choose to keep certain information to themselves, and it is important that they feel safe doing so and sharing when they feel ready to do so.
Do Check In Regularly. Let them know you’re thinking about them and care about their journey. While they may not always be ready to engage, it is so important that they know you will be there for them when they are ready to lean on others.
Do Educate Yourself. Learn about betrayal trauma to better understand what they’re going through.
The Don’ts of Supporting a Loved One with Betrayal Trauma
Don't Minimize Their Pain. Avoid saying things that diminish their experience, such as "It could be worse" or “at least it’s not X.” While this may be a well intended, natural reaction to help them feel better, it is common that this response has the opposite effect, leading them to feel like their pain is not valid or acceptable.
Don't Judge Their Choices. Refrain from criticizing their actions or decisions. Recognize that you may not fully understand what they’re experiencing, but are there to hear and support them in any decisions they make while recovering from betrayal.
Don't Use Blaming Language. Avoid trying to blame them for what has happened or their decisions to stay in or leave the relationship. Allow them to find answers on their own time in their healing journey.
Don't Rush Them Toward Healing or Solutions. Avoid pressuring them to move on or make decisions quickly. It can take a long time to get to a place to decide whether to stay or leave their relationship.
Don't Assume What They Need. Rather than making assumptions, ask them directly what they need from you! There may be times when they need a listening ear and other times where they may need a fun distraction; let them tell you what they need at any particular moment.
Don't Give Unsolicited Advice. Only share advice if they express a desire for it.
Don't Ask Probing Questions. Avoid pressing them for details they may not be ready to share. While we may want to understand exactly what is going on for them, both emotionally and circumstantially, they may need time to feel ready to disclose certain information and may refrain from sharing certain details.
In navigating the complexities of supporting someone through betrayal trauma, the key lies in striking a balance between empathy and respect for their individual journey. By giving them your undivided attention, validating their feelings, and allowing them the space to process their emotions at their own pace, you create a safe environment for healing. It’s crucial to resist the urge to rush them or impose your own feelings and solutions, as this can unintentionally and inadvertently invalidate their experiences. Instead, focus on being a compassionate, listening without judgment, and encouraging them to express their needs. It is likely that there will be moments where you say the wrong thing or misunderstand their experience. That is absolutely normal, and it is important to acknowledge, apologize, and learn from any misattunements when they happen. Checking in or letting them know you’re thinking of them, patience for their healing, and respecting boundaries further enhance your ability to provide meaningful support.
As a support person, your role is to walk alongside them in their pain, validating and accepting where they are in recovery. Remember to take care of yourself in the process of supporting another person, and encourage them to seek professional support from a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma such as a CPTT therapist.
To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating attachment wounds, trauma, addiction, and relationships.
About The Author
Emily Key is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and couples therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 1. Emily helps those healing broken trust and helping couples and individuals build new secure bonds in their relationships.