Full Disclosure: Getting the Truth
“I promise, that’s all. There’s no more.”
Do these words sound familiar to you? If you’ve been betrayed and are trying to understand the full truth of what has happened, you know that these words will frequently bring looming question marks to your brain. Can I believe my partner? Is that really all? How can I ever know? Or, if you are the one who has strayed, you may have heard these questions from your partner and felt frustrated or lost with your seeming inability to settle their fears.
These questions can be maddening, especially if you’ve been through a cycle of questioning and answering over and over again. You’re both worn down, but the need for assurance and truth has not eased up.
As the betrayed one, maybe you’ve heard the same story over and over but you just can’t turn the questioning off. Or maybe you’ve heard contradictory truths, changing storylines, or even what we call “staggered disclosures” (hearing bits and pieces at a time OR having a new disclosure after you thought you knew it all). Each of these situations can deteriorate trust and safety further and make it harder to know what to believe.
The Need for Truth
The need for truth is fundamental to healing from a wound like betrayal. If either of you wants to rebuild trust in your relationship, it must start from a foundation of honesty.
I’ve heard betraying partners say, “Can’t we just move forward? It’s in the past. I’ve promised I won’t do it again. I need you to trust what I’m saying now.” The problem is, their partner can’t safely trust their words now, nor would it be healthy to do so. They may even truly want to, but their brain is screaming at them to not ignore the threat that so recently hurt them. The brain is wired to keep us safe, so once it has registered something so safety-threatening as romantic betrayal, it will not easily let us forget. We must go backward before we can move forward.
I’ve heard betrayed partners say, “I don’t want to know what’s happened. I don’t want to be untrusting. I’m going to believe they are sorry and hope for the best.” They are afraid of truly facing reality and want to stay in a world where they can stay far from pain and fear. This is so valid, and yet puts them at extreme risk for a continued cycle of harm. You have every right to decide there are certain details you do not want in order to protect yourself, but avoiding the truth completely can signify that denial may be interfering with your deeper needs for safety and honesty. For it to be safe to extend trust, you must both work together to establish accountability, ownership, and healthy risk-taking; there are no shortcuts.
Full Disclosure: “Cleaning the Wound”
The full disclosure process is a structured, supported process for getting the truth you or your partner need in a way that is as safe and effective as possible for both of you. As a note, because of the highly vulnerable and emotionally distressing nature of this process, it is specifically designed for couples whose primary goal is to rebuild the relationship and is not recommended for couples who have already decided to permanently separate.
The goal of the full disclosure process is to receive full accountability and ownership from the disclosing partner, which includes facts and timelines of betrayal behaviors, lies told, finances spent, and methods for hiding the truth that were used. This is done through the careful preparation and reading of a “full disclosure letter” with the support of a specialized therapist (often a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist or similar credential). The writing of this letter typically occurs over a number of weeks and involves plenty of drafts and feedback to help you ensure that it is clear, accountable, and thorough. Your therapist will help you determine which level of detail is appropriate—disclosures should neither be so vague that they skip over important facts or minimize behaviors, nor so detailed or graphic that they cause unnecessary harm.
The process of writing and reading a disclosure letter is extremely painful and takes great courage. Because of this, it is absolutely vital that it is done in a way that is complete and effective, following the recommendations of your specialist and supporting resources to avoid lingering questions or negative consequences.
Although painful, going through this process can be deeply therapeutic for both partners, giving the disclosing partner an opportunity to be honest and accountable in a safe context, and giving the receiving partner a chance to validate their reality with facts. This is why we sometimes call this process “cleaning the wound” – painful, but necessary to prevent future festering.
Receiving Disclosure
As a betrayed partner, often there is a part of you that is eager and needing the truth the letter provides, while another part may feel intense fear and anxiety about what you will hear. The anticipatory anxiety as your partner prepares their letter can be excruciating, and a part of you may want to demand answers here and now. This is normal—and is again evidence of your brain wanting to protect you and access the truth you so desperately need. However, demanding the truth outside of the structure listed here puts you at high risk for a number of dangers. Hearing disclosures while in an activated state can make it difficult to process in the way your brain needs and may create further questions and dissatisfaction, or can even be retraumatizing. What’s more, without preparation and grounding, your partner is unlikely to provide you with complete information in any kind of organized manner (even if they want to) and will likely be in their own activated state, making it hard for either of you to feel safe.
The best thing you can do to meet your own needs is work with a specialized therapist to create a list of questions you want to be sure are answered in your disclosure. These questions should be specifically focused on behaviors, timelines, and hard facts: the “what happened”. You will have many questions that don’t fit in these categories—the “why’s” and “how’s”—that are just as important, but must be explored outside of the full disclosure process (usually in couples therapy) so there’s plenty of space for processing the roots and needs contained in these questions. Full disclosure day is about finding the facts so you can have enough knowledge to then explore those deeper questions.
Waiting for and hearing a full disclosure letter is extremely painful and takes great courage. Take care of yourself before, during, and after the event and be sure to have a support person on hand (ideally in the waiting room to take you home) and a predetermined self-care plan for after the reading. Spend the weeks leading up to disclosure working with your therapist on skills for regulating your nervous system and helping your body to feel safe.
Disclosure day: What to expect
Plan to set aside 2-3 hours for your full disclosure session; this is typically held in one of your therapists’ offices with each of your individual therapists present (some people choose to also include the couples therapist). Your therapists will be available to lead you through a grounding exercise as needed to make sure you are both regulated enough to have a safe experience. The disclosing partner will go through the reading of the letter slowly and congruently, with contained emotions to allow the receiving partner to process the facts clearly.
Following the reading, both partners will have an opportunity to break out with their individual therapists to process reactions, ground again as needed, and prepare to come back together for any clarifying questions. The goal is to answer as many clarifying questions about the “what and when” as possible on this day so you can both exit feeling this was a thorough disclosure.
Once this has all been completed to the greatest extent possible, both partners will exit in separate cars with support people available to allow for individual processing. There should be a plan already in place for separate living arrangements for the night so the receiving partner has options for how much space they’d like to process.
Polygraphs: To do or not to do?
Some partners choose to include a polygraph test as part of the disclosure process. This is performed separately from the letter reading and is typically done either a few days in advance or a few days after the reading. The benefits of using a polygraph test can include greater peace of mind, another layer of accountability for thoroughness, and empowerment for the betrayed partner to have options for their needs.
One pro of performing the polygraph before the event is having an option to cancel disclosure and avoid going through the anxiety of an incomplete or untruthful disclosure. A pro of performing the polygraph afterwards is an opportunity to include clarifying questions that you want extra assurance on after hearing the information, allowing you to remove any lingering doubts. There is no perfect solution and you should listen to your needs and explore these options with your therapist to find what will fit your situation best.
Please note: the polygraph is not infallible and therefore should not be the foundation of trust in your relationship, but rather used as an extra measure of assurance and accountability as desired.
Moving forward
Relationships can survive infidelity and addiction only with ownership, humility, and healthy trust-building—all of which begin with truth. Whether you and your partner are healing from betrayal trauma, a process addiction, or other forms of deceit, coming clean in a way that is thorough and safe for both of you gives an opportunity for both partners to begin healing. Rebuilding trust has never been easy or painless for anyone, but using structured tools and support that have successfully helped others walk this uncertain path can give you and your partner the best chance for a new beginning.
Are you curious about our recommendations for emotional healing or relationship repair? While each person’s experience of betrayal is unique, there is always hope for healing. To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.
About The Author
Kelsi Wilson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Partner Trauma Therapist, and couples therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 1. Kelsi specializes in healing broken trust and helping couples and individuals build new secure bonds in their relationships.
