Trust: When to Extend and How to Rebuild
A stranger stops you on the street and asks for your bank account number and password. They say that they are extremely trustworthy and only want to do a good deed by depositing a special gift into your account. Without pausing, you cheerfully hand it over and ask if they’d like your social security number and key to your home as well.
Sound familiar? Of course not!
Even reading the above example may give you physical discomfort. Why? Because you know that you would never engage in such a high level of risk with such little knowledge of another person. The result would put you and your loved ones in danger, not to mention your life savings!
Although this is a clear obvious example, there are many instances where we may in fact engage in too great a risk with too small a foundation of trustworthiness. Or, on the other extreme, we may have learned that extending trust can result in extreme pain and decide to never let another person in again, making it difficult or impossible to have meaningful relationships. Deciding when to trust is hard, and finding the balance between these two poles is essential to protecting your well-being, safety, and ability to fully thrive in your relationships.
Danger zone 1: Too much risk
The example at the beginning of this blog is an obvious instance of taking too much risk with too little assurance of safety. Although most of us would not hand over our greatest possessions to a stranger, there are reasons that some of us may have learned patterns of over-trusting that can endanger us in other ways.
As humans, we all need connection and consistency from loved ones to survive and thrive. Often, where trust is too freely extended and boundaries left unprotected, it is done in an effort to keep others close when we have struggled to get this need reliably met. Perhaps affection was inconsistent or conditional early on, leading to valid fears of abandonment. Maybe you learned to question your worth or put your needs last in order to keep others happy.
Whatever the case, if this section rings true for you, remember that extending trust where there is no dependability or safety is unlikely to meet your needs for love and connection long-term and may even risk even more heartbreak. Working to understand your deeper needs can help you to protect your well-being while allowing you to connect in deeper and more lasting ways.
Danger zone 2: Too little risk
Many clients present to me who find themselves “stuck” in a state of limbo with their relationships; perhaps they have been blindsided in the past by betrayal , or experienced a traumatic lack of safety and control that has scarred their willingness to truly let their walls down. Often these clients desire more closeness but have an even stronger drive to protect themselves from any and every possible threat.
As you understand what your walls are seeking to protect, you can begin to find new ways to meet your safety needs without staying stuck in isolation. Practicing healthy boundaries can help you feel empowered while lessening the need for constant control. When the time is right, you can work with your therapist to practice risking some vulnerability and allowing your loved one the opportunity to respond positively so you can begin to build trust and connection.
If you struggle in allowing yourself to trust when you see the consistency and safety signs you need from others, you may benefit from deeper trauma work—such as EMDR or IFS (Internal Family Systems)—to help these rigid protective parts return to safety and connection.
Self-trust as safety
In both cases listed above, there is often a need for increased self-trust to create an appropriate amount of self-protection while discerning between actual threats and simple everyday fears. As there are unfortunately never any foolproof guarantees about other adults’ future choices, building a strong sense of self-trust can help you feel more confident in discerning threats and responding to future road bumps in self-honoring ways.
Just as with trust in others, trust in yourself does not turn on like a light switch upon command, but rather must be built brick-by-brick through a foundation of consistency and safe behaviors. Building trust in yourself can look like any of the following behaviors:
Actions that build self-trust
Validating your own reality and perceptions
Placing equal value upon your own needs and opinions as on others’
Honoring your limits by saying no
Taking responsibility for your actions
Being honest with yourself about both growth areas and strengths
Listening to your feelings vs. silencing or dismissing them
Following through with what you say you will do
Acting in alignment with your values and morals
Demonstrating kind thoughts and generosity towards yourself, especially when you fall short
The more you practice showing up for yourself in consistent ways and avoiding self-abandoning behaviors (i.e. dismissing your gut, invalidating your reality, chronically putting others’ needs before your own, or crossing your own boundaries), the safer you will feel about taking appropriate risks in trusting reliable others.
Rebuilding Broken Trust: Betrayal, Ruptures, and Misattunements
Many trust issues in relationships stem from past or present safety violations (some even from previous dating experiences prior to meeting each other). If trust has been shattered through secrecy, deception, or safety violations in a relationship, it can sometimes feel impossible to imagine ever experiencing full trust again. When the actions of those we love most decimate our safety, it is natural for our system to go into extreme self-protection mode, and it is actually healthy to withhold trust for a time.
To restore any sense of safety, firm boundaries must be set to protect from any continuation of dangerous patterns. It is often necessary for a greater amount of “external evidence”—things one can witness with their five senses (i.e. attending regular meetings to change unsafe behaviors, sharing passwords or location to provide assurance of safety, etc.)—to act as a temporary foundation for safety while working to provide consistent ownership and empathy. Couples therapy can help each partner feel supported while rebuilding relationship trust. With consistent boundary-keeping, follow-through, and humility over time, couples can rebuild an even more intentional trust than existed before.
Misattunements and ruptures can similarly impact feelings of emotional safety to a less severe extent than intentional betrayal or deceit. In these cases, there is typically a misunderstanding, human failing, or difference in meaning-making between two people that causes alarm or hurt. This may look like not feeling heard in an argument, perceiving judgment in a friend, or forgetting a promise.
While still painful, it is important to differentiate misattunements and ruptures from intentional trust violations so you can repair them in appropriate ways and avoid cycles of chronic disconnection.
Learning to trust again (BRAVING: The 7 Elements of Trust)
Regaining trust in a relationship takes work. If you have been guilty of crossing boundaries or exhibiting unsafe behavior in the relationship, the resulting shame can be a painful reminder and may trigger reactivity. You may want to protect your character through defending or avoiding, both of which can amplify fear in your partner. I have seen both partners get very frustrated when trust is low, in part because of the longing each has to feel safe, seen, and understood. It is painful to have one’s character or trustworthiness doubted, even when you understand the logical reasoning in your partner.
Often what is most needed when doubts or triggers arise is empathetic validation of real fears. Recognize that whatever your current intent and actions, there is a valid root to fearful reactions that need reassurance. Even if your partner is experiencing triggers from a previous relationship, your consistent behavior of matching words with actions, validating their pain, and creating a secure base of safety will help settle their alarm bells.
If you are one who struggles to extend trust to others after being hurt in the past, you can start by listening to the evidence. A good measuring stick for trustworthiness is the 7 elements of trust described in Brene Brown’s “BRAVING” acronym. Asking yourself the following questions can bring insight when deciding when to trust someone:
Boundaries: Do they respect my boundaries?
Reliability: Do they show consistent follow-through and dependable behaviors?
Accountability: Do they take ownership of their mistakes and hold themselves accountable for changing unhealthy patterns?
Vault: Do they respect the sacredness and confidentiality of the vulnerable things I share with them?
Integrity: Is their behavior consistent across situations? Do they practice their values and choose courage over comfort?
Nonjudgment: Do they respond to my vulnerable parts with safety, understanding, and without judgment?
Generosity: Do they offer grace for my shortcomings and extend generous interpretations of my intents and actions?
Of course, it would be great if those we interacted with were perfect in each of the above areas; the reality is that we are all human and will get defensive, become triggered, and fail to be perfectly consistent at times. However, asking yourself the above questions about someone’s general behaviors can be a good indicator of whether they are a safe person to take healthy risks with as you discern where to extend trust and vulnerability. It can be helpful to think of Brené Brown’s metaphor of trust as a “jar of marbles” that others’ consistent trustworthy actions add marbles to, while their inconsistencies and unsafe behaviors remove marbles. Paying attention to how full that “jar” remains over time helps you to discern between normative human failings and dangerous unreliability.
Taking appropriate risk:
The challenging part for you will be to take the appropriate risk when you see someone displaying trust-building behaviors and external evidence of their trustworthiness. Unfortunately, there is no perfectly safe way to extend trust, as any extension of vulnerability, by definition, means risking hurt and rejection. Appropriate risk does not mean you are responsible for predicting another person’s choices.
Whatever your current relationship with trust, you deserve to experience safe and full connection with yourself and your loved ones. You can start by recognizing where you fall on the continuum of “over-trusting” to “over-protecting” and questioning what messages or fears drive this behavior. For help doing this deeper work and creating new sustainable patterns, reach out to a trained therapist. As you continue to nourish safe and trusting behaviors towards yourself, you can keep yourself resourced to respond to life’s challenges in a way that honors you.
Do you struggle with trust issues? Are you unsure of how to build trust back into your relationship? To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.
About The Author
Kelsi Wilson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Partner Trauma Therapist, and couples therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 1. Kelsi specializes in healing broken trust and helping couples and individuals build new secure bonds in their relationships.
