Becoming Empowered: Moving from Reacting to Responding
It can be hard for us to begin the process of acceptance around our inability to control the actions of others. Understanding that we are not responsible for the behaviors and decisions of another adult may be difficult, especially if this challenges the narrative we have been told. By beginning the process of acceptance and responsibility and what this does and does not look like, we are able to focus on ourselves and how we want to interact with others in our life. Our sole responsibility is to our actions and those actions alone.
When we engage with others in conversation, we do so from a place of wanting to respond or from a reactionary place. When we seek to respond, we come from a grounded perspective where we convey our feelings from a thoughtful and deliberate point-of-view. When we find ourselves reacting, we allow shame to take the driver's seat as past experiences and beliefs drive our behaviors. How do we begin to move from a shame-filled reactionary place to a centered, self-lead responding stance that honors our values and power?
Moving Towards Empowerment
One of the first ways that we can begin this process is to focus on our needs by taking a breath and asking ourselves, “What do I need in this moment?” Communicating our needs can feel very vulnerable, especially when we are also setting a boundary with others. By allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, we are honoring our responsibility to self. As we begin to do this, we may recognize where we are reacting from and what a response would look like. Dr. Sheri Keffer created a visual to highlight this process of moving towards self-lead communication. She utilizes a wheel to show this movement. Below is a visual inspired by Dr. Keffer that we created to show how a reaction can shift into a more mindful response.
When we are interacting with others, we may find ourselves possibly moving from the different reactionary stances or returning to one repeatedly. One of the stances people often find themselves returning to is the victim reaction. People can begin to move out of the victim position and into the responsibility response by looking at a list of values and identifying the ones that are the most important and impactful for them. Some of the questions we can begin to ask ourselves as we think about how we want to engage with others are “where does that take us” and “what is the pathway out so that I am able to respond”? When we respond from a place of putting our values at the center of our decisions, we are being true and authentic to ourselves.
After reading this blog, do you find that there are more times that you react than respond? To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.
About The Author
Caleigh Koppelmann is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate and Certified Partner Trauma Therapist candidate. Caleigh specializes in helping clients heal from betrayal, trauma, and relationship issues. She supports individuals, couple, and families in living truly fulfilled lives.