Setting Boundaries in Early Addiction Recovery
Recovery from addiction is a long road that can be full of winding turns, deep potholes, and steep cliffs with no guardrails. At the very beginning, right after sobriety is established, the sun is shining through the pink clouds and things are going smoothly. Everything is bright again and life ahead is full of possibility! However, after a short period of time, the rain starts to roll in and you can’t get your windshield wipers to work. You start to run into obstacles, and you might stumble a little. Recovery takes effort and intentionality. With the right tools, support, and dedication in place, you can provide yourself with the safety net that is needed to find stability.
Healing from addiction often requires both sobriety and recovery. A lot of people use these words interchangeably, but they are in fact two different things. Early on, most if not all of your energy might be focused on sustaining sobriety. As time progresses, you’ll likely feel confident in abstaining from the substance or behavior that was problematic and move into working on recovery. Clinically, early remission from a substance use disorder is defined as any time less than 12 months in which symptoms are managed. After a year, it changes into sustained remission. So, for the first year of abstinence, you are in early recovery.
What are boundaries?
Being early in recovery comes with its own unique roadblocks, stumbles, and issues that require unique interventions. When meeting with clients who are at this stage, I often spend a lot of time with them working on establishing healthy boundaries both with self and others. Recovery can be fragile until there is more stability. Boundaries can provide reinforcement and protection while keeping sobriety a top priority.
Healthy boundaries are a large umbrella made up of various types including physical, emotional, time, and material. Physical boundaries are those which have to do with your physical being. In recovery, the boundaries with yourself in this area are going to include obvious things such as not consuming substances or engaging in acting out behaviors from your active addiction. These also will include choosing what environments you put yourself in. With others, whether you’re in sober living, have roommates, or live with family, physical boundaries will often involve your right to privacy and your responsibility for your physical space.
Emotional boundaries are a bit less tangible and may be harder to communicate as clearly. With the purpose of boundaries in general being to provide protection and safety, think of these as things you have in place to protect your emotional self. When people leave an addiction treatment center or declare sobriety, people tend to ask a lot of questions about what happened. While everyone in your life may be curious about your addiction or recovery, that doesn’t mean you have to share your story with anyone who asks. Being mindful about what parts of your story you share and with whom you share is an important consideration at this stage. Another layer of understanding emotional boundaries includes having a greater understanding of your own values, wants, and needs. Being able to communicate what you need from your support system can take a lot of practice but the outcome is worth it. Having those needs grounded in your values can amplify their importance and make it easier to be consistent in setting and reinforcing them.
Time boundaries are exactly what they sound like; how you spend your time. Structure and routine are essential for successful recovery, so protecting your time is likely going to be top of mind. Ensuring regular meeting attendance, following a daily maintenance plan, and making time for life’s responsibilities all fall under this category.
Material boundaries are very similar to physical ones. However, rather than being about who or how you let people into your physical space, they have more to do with how you share or give your possessions to others. An example of how this presents in boundaries with yourself is through how you spend your money. A part of recovery typically involves learning how to be an “adult” again and money management is a skill that has to be learned.
Why is all of this important?
Some of the factors that predict long-term success in recovery include involvement in 12 step programs, commitment to total abstinence, and social support from family and friends. One of the main reasons boundaries are so important in general is that they ensure safety and provide protection. Think of boundaries like glue. They keep relationships intact and create or reinforce a bond. Support and community are essential; without healthy boundaries in recovery, these relationships have more opportunities to break down.
Another reason that boundaries are so important is that they create opportunities to build self-trust. Throughout active addiction, trust in your most important relationships is eroded and needs rebuilding. This includes your relationship with yourself. Self-trust provides a foundation and a template for your other relationships. It also gives you the strength and perseverance to continue recovery work when things get hard.
Let’s Get to The “How”
Now, you might be thinking, this information is great, but how do I actually do this? Here are a few examples of areas where you may need boundaries in and what language you can use to set them. While these are not all-encompassing, they can be a jumping-off point.
Boundary: Regularly attending support meetings
“Tuesdays don’t work for me, but we can meet up another day!”
Boundary: Putting yourself in environments that support recovery
“How about we meet up for coffee instead of drinks?”
Boundary: Removing triggers
“At this point in my recovery, it’s important to me that alcohol isn’t kept in the house.”
Boundary: Not sharing aspects of your recovery with certain people
“Let’s talk about something else.”
Boundary: Not drinking/using/acting out
“I don’t drink anymore.”
Boundary: Doing what you need to in order to maintain emotion regulation
“I need to take a break from this conversation, but we can return to it later.”
Boundary setting is often intimidating and can be pretty overwhelming. A concern I often hear from clients is that they don’t want to hurt the feelings of the person they’re setting a boundary with. Keeping the focus on how it can benefit the relationship rather than hurt it, can quell some of those fears. Boundaries are not meant to be used as punishment or to enforce consequences on someone else. They are in place to keep a relationship intact. Also, when verbally setting boundaries, you don’t have to use harsh or critical language. Using an empathetic tone of voice and coming from a place of compassion can make a huge difference in how it is received by the other person.
By keeping boundaries focused on yourself, rather than others, you are able to take ownership over your contributions to the relationship dynamic. We cannot control what other people do. If we try to tell someone else what they can or can’t do, we’re more than likely going to be met with defensiveness. For example, rather than saying “I need you to stop accusing me,” try saying “It is hard for me to continue the conversation if I’m being accused of something I didn’t do. If that happens, I will have to take a break and we can talk about this again once I’ve regulated my emotions.” It takes time for people that you’re in a relationship with to understand the new needs that come along with your recovery. With consistency, the dynamics will shift over time.
Addiction impacts all areas of your life and in turn, so does recovery. If you need guidance or support navigating these issues or to find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal trauma, complex trauma, addiction, and rebuilding relationships.
About the Author
Katy Post is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor, Licensed Clinical Addiction Specialist Associate, and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist candidate. She works with individuals to support them through addiction recovery and healing from trauma.