Betrayal within relationships is a reality for a staggering 70% of us. Infidelity within a relationship causes a ripple effect that impacts multiple facets of the betrayed partner's life and lived experiences. It impacts our mind, body, and spirit. This multi-layered betrayal results in a type of trauma that is referred to as betrayal trauma. Betrayal trauma has long-lasting impacts on the betrayed partner both individually and relationally. Those who have experienced betrayal trauma may find it hard to trust others and also find it hard to trust themselves and their own judgments and perceptions, both of people and situations. If this resonates with you, please know you are not alone, that it is never your fault for the actions of other adults, and that the feelings that you are experiencing are valid and understandable as your safety has been compromised in the most devastating of ways.

Multi-layered traumas such as betrayal trauma can leave the betrayed individual feeling overwhelmed, numb, and angry as this loss can result in grief unlike any experienced previously. One of the first steps the betrayed individual can take for themselves is to gain knowledge and understanding of how wide-reaching the impact of betrayal trauma can extend. Having the knowledge of the different areas that can be impacted by infidelity allows the betrayed partner to gain resources to make informed decisions for themselves when it comes to their healing. This is a journey that one must take on their own because there is no way to control the actions of others. It is important to acknowledge at this point that many betrayed partners can feel a sense of injustice and anger for having to do the work to heal from the betrayal that another caused - and this is absolutely true. The healing journey for this type of trauma can be a long road and those who engage with the healing work for themselves, along with a therapy team, can find a strong connection to a self that embodies the values of who they authentically are.

The Dirty Dozen: Layers of Betrayal Trauma

Dr. Sheri Keffer is a marriage and family therapist who has spent two decades working with couples who have experienced the trauma of infidelity and betrayal. Through her work and expertise, she has found that these twelve areas are where the betrayed partner feels the pain of the betrayal most prominently within their lives. It is through this understanding of the different areas that the betrayed partner can begin to process and heal from the trauma that they have experienced and know that they are not alone in this experience.

Discovery Trauma: This occurs when the betrayed partner discovers the betrayal independently of their partner, whether it be by accident or in the course of a fact-finding mission. This experience can be marked by feelings of loss of control, shock, anger, denial, and pain both physically and emotionally. Betrayed partners many times are able to recount specifics from this event such as the exact day and time of the discovery.
Disclosure Trauma: This occurs when the betrayed partner's significant other discloses the betrayal or infidelity. There are a few ways that this can occur. A full disclosure occurs when the betraying partner details every aspect of the betrayal and does not withhold aspects of it. A drip disclosure occurs when aspects of the betrayal are detailed in smaller details or different aspects of the betrayal are revealed over time, such as the drip of a faucet.
Deception Trauma: This is also referred to as intimate deception betrayal trauma. This type of trauma is often marked by the betrayed partner bringing up suspicions or asking questions of their partner, possibly in response to the partner's behaviors, actions, words, or the betrayed partner experiencing a “gut feeling” of uncertainty. Deception trauma occurs when these questions are met with intentionally deceptive responses by the betraying partner that are meant to cause the betrayed partner to question reality, themselves, and their judgments. These responses can look like the following: the betraying partner questions facts, denies memories that their partner experienced, and undermines their partner’s judgment. The betraying partner may be aware and engage in these tactics intentionally or be in denial.
Relationship and Attachment Trauma: Individuals who have experienced betrayal report they felt safe and secure until they found out about it. Afterward, they felt their ability to trust themselves and others was shattered. In attachment theory, we would refer to this as an attachment injury, where a trusted and safe base, such as a partner, is now being questioned or rejected due to a painful experience that an individual has experienced with the safe person.

For individuals within the LGBTQ+ community, trauma of this nature can be compounded by their experience as a marginalized group who have a higher likelihood of experiencing generational trauma and attachment injuries with caregivers.

Children and Family Trauma: This can occur for betrayed individuals when others begin to learn of the betrayal. Betrayed partners reported finding it difficult to know the best ways to have conversations with children and other family members about infidelity and betrayal. For some, the betrayal and how much they wish to share comes from the betrayed person in their own time, and other times the betrayal is shared by others. Both of these experiences cause trauma for the betrayed individual.
Shame and Identity Trauma: For those who experience a betrayal, shame can be both an internal or external experience. Many report feeling invisible, inadequate, isolated, insecure, and judged. This type of trauma can also make one question their identity and confidence in themselves and their decision-making - even regarding the issue of how to handle the dissemination of information to others regarding the betrayal itself.
Financial Hardship: This can be seen in a multitude of ways within a betrayal. Betrayed partners have reported instances of the betraying partner withholding money from them or using money dishonestly, whether the amount being spent or what it was spent on. This dishonesty is another factor of the betrayal that can impact the decisions that are available to the betrayed partner.
Spirituality and Faith Journey: People who have experienced a betrayal report that their experience with their faith or spirituality can be and feel different after a betrayal. Some report holding tightly onto their faith and others report turning totally away from their faith or spirituality. Within these two responses are a spectrum of reactions in between. Some faiths also have beliefs regarding marriage, infidelity, and betrayal which can impact the decision-making of the betrayed partner.
Personal Health: Our bodies bear the burden of traumas and traumatic experiences. These experiences can manifest in physical symptoms that are devastating to the body. Betrayal trauma and the physical symptoms that can manifest in response to it can result in increased doctor and emergency room visits, which can also impact the betrayed partner financially.
Impact on Sexuality: After a betrayal, betrayed partners report a variety of responses when it comes to experiences with sexuality. Some report feelings of decreased desire to engage in sexual activities with their betraying partner. Some report that they engage in sexual activity with increased frequency with their betraying partner. Both of these reactions are completely understandable and should not be shame-inducing for the betrayed partner.
Treatment Trauma: This occurs when someone within the helping profession compounds or furthers the hurt felt by the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner should not be blamed for the actions of the betraying partner, whether this is overt or covert. The decision of betrayal was the decision of the betraying partners alone. There are clinicians who are trained to work specifically with those who have experienced betrayal in a caring and empathetic manner.
Friendship and Community: When individuals experience betrayal, this can impact their social and relational circle. For some, their circle of friends and community is intertwined with the betraying partner’s, which could make those people more difficult to seek out as a support system. Friends and community members may also attempt to offer advice to the betrayed partner that may further perpetuate the trauma of the betrayal.

Betrayal trauma is multifaceted and has lasting impacts on the betrayed partner. The layers of betrayal trauma outlined above are also not linear and can be experienced at different times for betrayed individuals as no two betrayals are the same. By beginning to understand the ways that the trauma of betrayal can show up in individuals' lives, betrayed partners can begin to heal with the help of properly trained clinicians. Betrayed individuals should approach each of these layers with grace for themselves and for their reactions to the trauma they have experienced. Recovery after an infidelity or affair can feel insurmountable but through increased resourcing and understanding of the betrayal experience, one can begin the steps to heal and discover a self that is authentic and resilient.

Sources:

https://www.wholewellnesstherapy.com/post/betrayal-trauma#:~:text=The%20staggering%20reality%20is%20that,the%20general%20population%20(1).

https://shalvacares.org/am-i-experiencing-gaslighting/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwl8anBhCFARIsAKbbpySb5E6qQyAMZtaGDZwV4dZna0wkRcjE-Zh5cJlEwOd40tZNLZqORg0aAvy2EALw_wcB

https://www.integritycounselinggroup.com/blog/2019/6/11/did-your-spouses-infidelity-cause-betrayal-trauma

https://www.aacc.net/product/515-intimate-deception-healing-the-wounds-of-sexual-betrayal/