Forgiveness After Betrayal
Forgiveness After Betrayal
We’re all familiar with it…the dreaded “F” word. The one that can feel elusive, threatening, confusing, or even straight up revolting to those who know betrayal. Considering a word such as forgiveness can cause us to recoil in disdain when we’ve been hurt and our trust has been shattered. Alternatively, we may feel like forgiveness is at the end of a never-ending road that will not arrive no matter how much we long for it.
If you are feeling any of the internal reactions listed above, know that your brain and body are on high alert to keep you safe and guarded. These protective responses are important and good; however, getting stuck for too long in resentment can block the road to complete healing and relief, keeping pain unnecessarily present. If this is the case for you, it may be worth exploring your personal roadblocks to forgiveness.
Why Even Consider Forgiveness?
Studies show that forgiveness benefits us psychologically, socially, and even physiologically. Forgiving connects us to our choices and power and can be essential to rebuilding our authentic self after traumatic heartbreak. Letting go of bitterness can also free mental and emotional energy for the present and future, allowing you to focus on building relationships with yourself and others. Forgiveness is about you and your health as a victor emerging from undeserved heartache.
Conquering Myths: What Is Forgiveness and What Is It Not?
Many misconceptions in our society about forgiveness can contribute to the complicated relationship and initial resistance we often experience. Myths about forgiveness twist our perception and may encourage false beliefs about our weakness or dis-empowerment when we choose to release resentment. Take time to review the list below and notice which false beliefs you may be carrying about what forgiveness means.
Forgiveness is not:
A one-time event
Forgetting what has happened
A commitment to continue the relationship with the person who has hurt us
Tolerating further betrayal or boundary violations
Necessarily for the benefit of the person who has hurt us
Justifying wrongdoing or the person at fault
Allowing the offender to escape consequences
Letting the other person “off the hook” for their hurtful behavior
Weakness
Forgiveness is:
An ongoing process that involves releasing specific resentments one at a time
Letting go of festering bitterness, hostility, or desire for vengeance
A shift in energy and focus from the past to the present and future
A way to free up emotional energy to create a new and fulfilling relationship with yourself, partner, or other
An empowering process of self-liberation and choice
At your own pace and readiness
A resolution of internal conflict and stuckness
Appropriately honoring the grief, pain, and injustice of your story
A gentle refocusing from others’ actions to our own self-worth, reclaiming of life, and access to joy after being unfairly wronged
As you read through these two lists, it is okay to have mixed feelings and reactions. It may take time to shift our relationship with the word forgiveness to embody the liberating, freeing process described above. Take time to identify one or two points you may focus on in moving closer to your own personal forgiveness experience.
Common Barriers to Forgiveness After Betrayal
After we have been deeply hurt by someone close to us, it makes sense to be wary of letting go of the past. Common fears may include a worry that forgiveness sacrifices justice, condones the behavior, or that we will be hurt again if we “let the past go.” Remember that forgiveness is not saying “it’s okay,” but rather “I choose to honor my now over past wrongs and injustices.”
What If My Partner Is Not Sorry?
It can be extra complicated to achieve forgiveness when we have not seen remorse or empathy from the one who has so thoroughly upended our reality. If this is the case, know you still deserve full and complete liberation from the burden of resentment when the time is right for you. It may be helpful to consider the three types of forgiveness that Dr. Stephen Marmer identified as a way to differentiate appropriately:
Exoneration
Definition:
“Full” forgiveness
Shifting focus from past actions to present choices
Making amends and potentially restoring full ties
Releasing the relationship that was and creating a new, safe relationship that focuses on the present and future
Use when…
The person has atoned and attempted to repair their wrong
Actions have been owned without justification
Healthy boundaries have been honored consistently
You feel confident the actions will not be repeated
Forbearance
Definition:
“Forgive but don’t forget”
Letting go of the need to dwell, but keeping appropriate watchfulness
Letting go of hostility and resentment, but with very clear boundaries
Can be a stepping stone to exoneration when ready
Use When…
You have seen a partial or incomplete apology
Justification or defensiveness may still be present
There is still a great deal of risk in fully forgiving
The relationship matters to you, and you would like to preserve it in some way, but it is not yet safe to move into exoneration
Release
Definition:
Eliminating the weight of resentment and banishing the offender from living “rent-free” in your mind
Does not pardon the offender or make amends in the relationship
Often involves severing ties and creating very firm boundaries with the offender
“Release, but do not reconcile”
Use When…
There is no apology or ownership
There may be no acknowledgement of wrongdoing at all
It may not be safe to continue the relationship to the same or any degree
When Is It Not Safe to Forgive?
If you are someone who tends to forgive others easily, you may need to take special care to ensure that you have healthy and firm boundaries to protect you from repeated violations or harm. For some of us, it is easier to let go of the past in the name of keeping others close to us and avoiding the terror of abandonment or loneliness. Remember that forgiveness must be accompanied by clear and protected boundaries to avoid falling into unhealthy cycles that keep the relationship stuck and deteriorate health and safety. For more information on how to do this, see 5 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries
Not Ready Yet?
Forgiveness is a process and not a one-time decision or event. It is hard. Each of us has a personal timeline of readiness that should not be pushed or forced. However, for the sake of your own complete healing, it is important not to put off beginning your personal journey more than needed so that you can experience the benefits of releasing anger and resentment for good.
Perhaps a starting point is to make a list of others’ offenses to forgive and rank your readiness for each to get a sense of where you are now. Maybe it is taking time to consider whether there’s a need to more deeply forgive yourself—both for the things you may regret, as well as those that were never your fault in the first place. Or it could be to start with exploring your relationship with the concept of forgiveness and what personal holdups and myths block your path with the help of a therapist.
Whatever your next steps, remember that this is a gift you give to yourself above all else, and that you deserve the relief of shifting energy from the pain of the past to make room for a brighter tomorrow—when the time is right for you.
Do you find this information on forgiveness after a betrayal helpful? Are you curious about how else we might be able to help? While each person’s experience of betrayal is unique, there is always hope for healing. To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.
Meet The Author
Kelsi Wilson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Partner Trauma Therapist, and couples therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 1. Kelsi recognizes the traumatic nature of betrayal as well as the pain and challenges for both partners. She specializes in healing broken trust and helping couples and individuals build new secure bonds in their relationships.
