The Impact of Betrayal Trauma on Sex
Betrayal trauma immensely impacts how we view sex and intimacy. Something that was supposed to bring healthy vulnerability and intimacy now feels completely different. Some betrayed partners describe sex after discovering an affair as: triggering, fearful, painful, disconnected, shameful… and so on. It is natural to view sex differently after emotional or physical infidelity.
The Three Responses to Sex after Betrayal
In her book Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal, author Sherri Keffer outlines the three main responses to sex after betrayal. These include 1) Moving towards sex, 2) Moving away from sex, and 3) Moving against sex.
If you find that you and your partner are having sex more frequently, that typically indicates you’re trying to heal by pleasing your partner. It’s natural to want to bond with your partner when your relationship feels threatened. If you are afraid of losing your partner or feel shame, sex with your partner may feel like a coping mechanism.
If you find that you have no desire to have sex with your partner, this typically means you want to move away from the pain that sexual betrayal has caused you. It’s natural to be fearful of vulnerability and intimacy with your partner in this situation.
If you find that you’re moving against your partner sexually by using retaliation or aggression, this typically indicates you want your partner to feel the hurt you’ve felt. This can look like expressing intense anger, participating in emotional or physical affairs, or “getting even” with your partner. It’s natural to feel powerless, angry, and hurt after a betrayal.
Healing from Betrayal Trauma
You and your partner need time to mend relationship wounds and rebuild trust. Betrayal trauma specialists recommend rebuilding emotional intimacy prior to resuming sexual intimacy in recovery; setting a 90 day boundary to abstain from sex can help you and your partner focus on the emotional intimacy in your relationship.
We encourage you to build your relationship’s emotional connection through communication, sharing your feelings and needs, creating a trigger management plan together, and building up to non-sexual touch to show affection. If you’re unsure how to do these things, engaging in couples therapy with a betrayal trauma specialist is a great space to begin that process. Since healthy sex requires trust and vulnerability, we want to make sure we feel present and congruent in our feelings and our behaviors before moving forward.
The Relationship Attachment Model describes the ideal steps in building sexual intimacy. According to this model, we need to get to know someone and build a friendship before we can trust them. Once we trust them, we feel we can rely on them, and then if we can rely on our partners, we can feel committed to them. When you feel trust, reliance, knowing, and commitment to your partner, that’s a good sign that you feel safe to resume sexual touch in your relationship. Commitment and trust are the cornerstones to having healthy, connecting sex after betrayal.
Are you struggling with sex after betrayal trauma? While managing the crisis after uncovering betrayal trauma can feel overwhelming, there are effective tools you can learn that will support you as you process and heal. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal trauma, complex trauma, addiction, and rebuilding relationships.
About the Author
Anna Taylor is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Associate, Associate Partner Trauma Therapist, Gottman Level 1 couples’ therapist, and a Prepare/Enrich Facilitator. Anna specializes in working alongside betrayed partners as they manage the acute crisis and develop self-regulation skills in order to promote healthy grieving and self-compassion.