The Best Options for Couples Therapy: The Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy

You’re sitting at your computer searching for a couples therapist, but you feel lost at sea. Which approach is best? Which therapist can we trust? Continuing to scroll, you become confused and immobilized by the number of choices. Ultimately, you shut down your computer feeling overwhelmed, no farther along than when you first started.

Does this sound familiar? If so, we are here to help you wade through the various options. There are two theories that set themselves apart when it comes to couples therapy: The Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). It is important to note that neither method is better than the other. In fact, they are both extremely useful in their differing approaches. In this article, I will cover all of the information you need to make an informed decision on which therapeutic approach is right for you. That being said, let’s explore both models in more detail.

Effectiveness of The Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy

Both EFT and Gottman Method are effective methods of couples therapy, and have strong empirical foundations. While EFT can be used with individuals and families, the majority of research has been focused on its success with couples. In fact, EFT surpasses the necessary requirements to be considered an evidence-based couples therapy treatment (Wiebe & Johnson, 2016). Across several studies, therapists using EFT have helped couples increase positive gains in their relationship, including higher relationship satisfaction as well as greater levels of empathy, vulnerability, and intimacy (Dandeneau & Johnson, 1994; Denton et al. 2000). Researchers show that these positive outcomes last over time, with 82% of couples reporting improvement three months after ending therapy (Johnson & Talitman, 1997).

Gottman Method Couples Therapy has also been proven to be beneficial for couples. The fundamentals of this theory were built on longitudinal and observational studies with over 3,000 couples conducted by Dr. John Gottman. Some studies lasted as long as 20 years. After years of research, Dr. Gottman is able to predict whether couples will stay together or divorce with over a 90% accuracy rate. One study found that use of The Gottman Method with couples for just 10 sessions improved marital adjustment and intimacy, which endured over time (Davoodvandi et al., 2018). Our practice has seen success in treating couples with EFT or Gottman Method, supporting existing research.

Differing Approaches

The philosophies underpinning these two theories are very different. As a result, their interventions are also distinct. Both approaches aim to support couples in fostering loving connection and rewarding relationships; however, they do so in unique ways.

In her book “Attachment Theory in Practice,” Dr. Susan Johnson explains that EFT is based on the science of attachment, and that humans are all wired for safe connection. Basically, we need safety, reassurance, and love to thrive. If we feel attacked or unheard in our relationship, we may respond with protective defenses, thereby getting stuck in disconnective cycles with our partner. EFT helps couples to recognize these patterns as well as the emotional needs underlying them. Then, the therapist shows them how to interact in different ways to feel more connected with your partner both in and out of sessions. An EFT therapist typically looks past surface level solutions to dig into the deeper emotions and needs of their clients. This takes some willingness on the client’s part to be uncomfortable and vulnerable. By entering into this space, clients will be better able to take on emotional risks and create safety in their relationship. (Johnson, S. M. 2019).

Gottman Method Couples Therapy focuses on building relationship skills to create a “Sound Relationship House.” By studying the ways that couples interact, John Gottman discovered that healthy relationships were created by consistently doing the following things:

·       creating a strong foundation of friendship

·       sharing fondness and admiration for each other

·       tuning into each other’s inner worlds

·       assuming positive intent for each other

·       learning how to manage conflict well

·       fulfilling life dreams together

·       creating shared meaning

All of these elements are supported by a client’s trust and commitment to their relationship. The Gottman Method allows therapists to provide psycho-education on factors that contribute to connection or distress for couples. It also provides a space for therapists to share tangible resources and skills, like learning how to take responsibility rather than defend or express needs rather than criticize.

How Do EFT and Gottman Method Complement Each Other?

While EFT and Gottman Method have varying philosophies underlying their methods, the two theories complement each other beautifully. For example, when exploring conversations where couples get stuck, tuning into underlying needs, fears, and feelings allows clients to grasp a deeper understanding of what is really going on in conflict. Using EFT, a therapist can help increase a client’s empathy for his or her partner’s experience and learn how to create a safe connection. Part of creating emotional safety in the relationship includes having more positive interactions in conflict than negative ones. Therapists can use research from the Gottmans on the importance of active listening, curiosity, validation, and taking responsibility in conflict to help show clients what creating security in a relationship can look like. If you use Gottman Method without EFT, you could miss opportunities for deeper reflection and healing. However, if you use EFT without Gottman Method, you could leave clients longing for tangible skills. Therefore, the models complement each other.

Both of these theories, however, can be used on their own and have been shown to be effective in work with couples. A trained couple’s therapist will be able to assess what approach and interventions will be most useful for you based on where you are in your relationship, your goals, as well as what strengths and problem areas look like for you and your partner. While your therapist does have valuable training in assessing for the most helpful treatment plan, we want clients to feel like they have a voice to ask questions and collaborate on goals. If you found yourself drawn to EFT or Gottman Method when reading this, you can specifically search online for therapists who use one or both of these methods. It is important to note that, not all therapists publicly advertise the method they use for couples therapy, so feel free to ask questions about a clinician’s approach in a consultation call or during the first session. Doing so is not a bother to the therapist. It simply shows how engaged and invested you are in your treatment.

When it comes to Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottman Method Couples Therapy, there is no bad option or wrong choice. What’s most important is finding an approach that will make you and your partner feel secure enough to do the hard work of improving your connection.

Do you and your partner have a hard time communicating? Are you struggling to find a couples therapist that is a good fit for you? At The Haven, our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in rebuilding relationships alongside treating betrayal trauma, complex trauma, and addiction. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation.

About the Author

Kirstin Franklin is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. Kirstin helps clients examine relational patterns, get in touch with their needs, and express those needs in vulnerability during the healing process.