How to Create Realistic Goals and Sustainable Change
It’s the beginning of a new year and messages about resolutions seem to come at us from all directions. The “New Year, New Me” mantra is an especially potent message that surfaces on social media from friends, family, and businesses. While the reasoning behind making a list of resolutions or goals is oftentimes well-intentioned, the societal expectation to immediately change on January 1st often brings up feelings of shame. Perhaps in the past, we’ve dug our heels in and tried to reach our maximum potential over a short period of time, expecting quick results. However, this method leads to exhaustion. We’re left abandoning our attempts to change, feeling disappointed, and blaming ourselves for not following through.
If this is something you have experienced, you are not alone. It is normal to struggle with sustaining immediate and significant change. In fact, we are wired to be creatures of habit who tend toward maintaining patterns, especially those that have developed over a long period of time. In childhood, the way we interact with our caregivers (and how they respond) shape the way we view ourselves and the world; this then impacts the behaviors we use to cope and get our needs met, both individually and in relationship with others. In moments of reflection, we may consciously know which behaviors are unhelpful, but our brains are trained to react and respond to situations in these familiar ways. For example, we can admit that if we criticize our partner, we are more likely to be met with defensiveness rather than getting our needs met. In the heat of the moment, however, our brain and nervous system will rely on old standby methods to attempt to be heard. Thus, failure to live up to our grand resolutions are not primarily due to a lack of discipline. We cannot muscle our way through change.
It is not wrong however to desire growth and challenge ourselves to live according to our values. So, how do we set and keep realistic goals?
Release the Expectation for Immediate, Linear Progress
We often put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect - to begin a new pattern of behavior, get it exactly right on the first try, and never fall back into old patterns. However, change is rarely linear and direct. It is important to shift our mindset to include the reality that change consists of both forward and backward movement. Backward movement is not necessarily a failure. Realizing this will help us persevere in our goals and have grace for ourselves in the unpredictable journey of change.
2. Reflect on the Function of Unhealthy Patterns
Underneath an unhelpful behavior, we are attempting to meet a valid, human need. For example, we may endlessly scroll on our phones to ease anxiety, engage in betrayal to feel seen by someone, or use alcohol to numb feelings of loneliness. If we cut out the behavior without addressing the need we were attempting to meet, we run the risk of falling into the same patterns again or relying on new, maladaptive behaviors. Take some time to reflect on what the need is underneath the behavior you want to change; then reflect on some ways to meet your needs in more helpful ways, like practicing mindfulness, connecting with friends and family, or practicing spirituality.
3. Take Small, Actionable Steps
Sometimes we expect ourselves to go from zero to sixty with our goals. For example, someone who rarely exercises may decide they are going to go to the gym every day. However, by not gradually increasing their exercise amount, this person will likely end up disappointed in their progress, and abandon their goal. Consider ways you can break your goals into smaller, more achievable steps. For example, if you want to become more active, perhaps begin with taking walks three days a week while listening to music or a podcast. Then, slowly introduce more intensity or frequency as you’re able to realistically maintain your first goal.
4. Show Yourself Compassion
Lastly, be kind to yourself as you work towards change; it is common for self-critical thoughts to surface when working on goals, such as “Why can’t I do this?” “I’ve failed again,” and “I just need to try harder.” If we push ourselves too hard, we are likely to experience burnout. Instead, replace your narrative with statements like: “Change is difficult and I am doing my best with what I have,” “It’s normal to take steps backward. I have not failed”, and “I am growing, even when I cannot see it.”
Do you and your partner having a hard time communicating? Are you struggling to make progress in your goals of relationship repair? At The Haven, our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in rebuilding relationships alongside treating betrayal trauma, complex trauma, and addiction. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation.
About the Author
Kirstin Franklin is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. Kirstin helps clients examine relational patterns, get in touch with their needs, and express those needs in vulnerability during the healing process.