How to Handle Shame

There’s one feeling that we will do almost anything to escape. We will run, hide, and bury ourselves in the sand to avoid it. That feeling is shame. But did you know that shame serves a purpose? All emotions are adaptive, when looked at through a lens of survival. Shame developed early on as a way to keep us in community with other humans. When we feel shame, we feel that who we are as a person is deeply flawed. This feeling leads us to hide the truth from others in fear of rejection. Early humans, if they became isolated, would die. Today, the threat of isolation still feels deadly; therefore, shame’s purpose is to help us survive. For example, imagine if you were a part of a culture or religious group that looked down on sexual activity. If you were sexually active, you may feel shame and take extra care to hide this part of your life in fear of rejection. Ironically, even though shame’s purpose is to keep us from isolation, we often times feel more isolated and lonely when we hide things from others.

How to Handle Shame

So, what do we do with our shame? First, we should acknowledge that it is a feeling everyone experiences: your mother, your therapist, your boss, the barista at your favorite coffee shop… all united in the universal experience of shame. Next, we learn what to do with this heavy feeling. How can we develop a different relationship with our shame, so that we are not afraid of it? Sometimes, people will engage in behaviors to soothe their shame that are counterproductive. For example, consider the person that numbs the pain their shame brings through using a substance like alcohol or engaging in a process like gambling. These things might help them feel relief in the moment, but will later cause more shame. This is a cycle we want to avoid. Instead, the antidote to shame combines vulnerability and compassion. This may seem like a simple formula on the surface, but it can be daunting to practice.

Vulnerability

Being vulnerable does not mean you share your feelings of shame with anyone and everyone. No, it is important to be selective with who you confide in. First, evaluate if they are a “safe” person. Then, when you confide in them, allow yourself to take in the compassion they express for you. This will help you to begin to move out of your shame.

Compassion

Now that you have received the compassion of another person, it is time to focus on self-compassion. Researcher and professor Kristin Neff proposes 3 major components to self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. Let’s walk through them together.

1) Mindfulness

Make an observation about the situation you are currently in. This might sound like This moment really hurts or even just a simple ouch.

2) Common Humanity

Make a statement like Suffering is a part of life or Everyone hurts sometimes; my hurt makes me human. By reminding yourself that everyone experiences shame, you normalize your experience.

3) Self-Kindness

Make a statement like May I be patient with myself or May I be kind to myself. In this statement, you can lean on whichever quality feels most needed to you – patience, kindness, or another trait

Between offering yourself compassion and being gently, emotionally held by another person, we build layers of trust in ourselves and in others which helps to protect us from internalizing the temporary emotional state of shame and making it part of our identities. We are more than our moments of shame. To this end, I invite you to practice a self-compassion break. Walk through the antidote to shame (vulnerability + compassion) and, if you are comfortable, lay a hand on your heart to ground yourself and help you take in compassion.

Do you find that you resonate with much of the information presented about shame? Are you curious about how else we might be able to help? While shame is difficult to discuss with others, there is hope for deep healing and repair. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating attachment wounds, trauma, addiction, and relationships.

About the Author

Morgan Hanley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapist (EMDR), and Couples therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 2. Morgan works with clients to heal attachment wounds, family dynamics, and intimate relationships as each system relates to complex trauma responses.