Breaking the Cycle: Understanding and Healing from Intergenerational Trauma
Sam takes a deep breath, suddenly realizing he's been yelling nonstop at his girlfriend, Kelly, for the past ten minutes. A wave of confusion washes over him—how did he get here? He swore he would never treat a partner the way his mother treated his father. Growing up, he watched his mom scream at his dad over the smallest things, like forgetting to take out the trash. And now, here he is, doing the same thing—raising his voice at Kelly just because she has a work meeting and can’t make their planned lunch. Panic sets in. When did I start becoming my mother?
Jean wakes up, feeling like getting out of bed would be harder than climbing Mount Everest. She shuts off her alarm, squeezes her eyes shut, and tries to ignore the day. She refuses to check her phone—too many unread messages from friends and coworkers wondering where she’s been. A flashback hits her: her dad, lost in his own depression, barely leaving his bedroom. As kids, she and her siblings turned it into a game—how long could they make noise before he finally came out? Tears well up as she realizes how long it’s been since she left her own bedroom. Was I born to be depressed, just like my dad?
What is Intergenerational Transmission?
Intergenerational transmission is the passing down of characteristics, behaviors, and traits from parents to children. This can include how we interact with others, the mental health struggles we face, and even aspects of our personality. Just like poor eyesight can be inherited, so can certain behavioral patterns.
These patterns can be transmitted through both genetic and environmental factors. Some aspects of who we are come from our DNA, while others are shaped by the environment we grow up in.
How Do We Learn Behaviors?
Social learning theory explains the environmental side of intergenerational transmission—it suggests that we learn by observing others. If we see a behavior being rewarded, we’re more likely to repeat it. If a behavior is punished, we tend to avoid it.
But it gets complicated when it comes to coping mechanisms. For example, if we grow up seeing someone raise their voice to get attention, we may unconsciously adopt that same habit—even if we know it’s unhealthy. The need to feel heard can override our knowledge of right and wrong. No one is giving out awards for “best yelling,” but if it worked in the past, it can be an easy pattern to fall into.
When Transmission Becomes Trauma
Sometimes, intergenerational transmission escalates into intergenerational trauma. This happens when emotional wounds, psychological patterns, and trauma responses are passed down from one generation to the next.
Trauma responses develop as short-term survival mechanisms during distressing events. However, when these responses become ingrained, they can be difficult to unlearn. Symptoms of intergenerational trauma can include PTSD, anxiety, depression, and other mental health struggles.
For example, Katie experienced childhood sexual abuse by a neighbor. The trauma left her with overwhelming anxiety. When she had children of her own, she became extremely overprotective, never allowing them to go anywhere besides school. Her kids, in turn, absorbed her fear, learning that the world was unsafe and people couldn’t be trusted. As a result, they developed their own anxiety—despite never experiencing the trauma firsthand.
Trauma Changes More Than Just Behavior—It Changes Our Biology
Trauma doesn’t just leave emotional scars—it can actually alter our genes. When someone experiences trauma, it can activate stress-response genes, like flipping a switch. These genes weren’t “on” at birth, but environmental triggers cause them to activate as a survival mechanism.
The downside? These genetic changes can make the body more prone to stress. While stress responses are meant to protect us, chronic stress can lead to serious health issues, including heart disease and immune system dysfunction. And because we pass our DNA to our children, they may inherit these same stress-activated genes—making them more likely to experience heightened anxiety, even without direct exposure to trauma.
Breaking the Cycle: How to Heal
Since intergenerational trauma is influenced by both genetics and environment, breaking the cycle can feel overwhelming. People often ask, How long does trauma affect generations? The answer: as long as we allow it to go unaddressed.
Research shows that even the grandchildren of Holocaust survivors still exhibit signs of intergenerational trauma—nearly 80 years later. This highlights how deeply trauma can embed itself within families. But the good news? We have the power to break the cycle.
By becoming aware of our responses, replacing unhealthy coping mechanisms with positive ones, and modeling these healthier behaviors for future generations, we can literally rewire the way our family line processes stress. Each of us has the power to be the turning point for future generations—but only if we make the choice to do the work.
Healing isn’t easy, but it’s necessary. And it starts with us.
The Power of Healing: A Story of Transformation
When Grant discovered his wife Leah had been having an affair for ten years, his world shattered. The betrayal made him want to shut down completely. He became distrustful, isolated himself from friends, and lost all interest in the thing he loved most—spending time with his kids. His pain consumed him.
But deep down, Grant knew he couldn’t let his trauma define him. He sought out a certified partner trauma therapist, determined to heal. Through therapy, he learned to process his pain, rebuild trust, and cope in healthier ways. As he healed, his relationships improved—he reconnected with his children, rekindled friendships, and even found the courage to start dating again.
More importantly, Grant showed his kids that pain doesn’t have to be permanent. They learned from him that healing is possible, trust can be rebuilt, and people can survive even the hardest moments in life.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Breaking free from intergenerational trauma takes courage, but you don’t have to do it alone. Healing starts with recognizing harmful patterns and seeking the right support.
Therapy can help unpack deep-seated behaviors and provide tools for healthier coping. If you’re the first in your family to experience trauma, specialized treatments like EMDR can be particularly effective. Facing generations of pain and stress is no small feat, but it’s one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself—and for the generations that come after you.
At The Haven, our trauma-informed therapists and EMDR specialists are here to support you. Whether through one-on-one therapy, support groups, or skill-building workshops, we’re committed to helping you become the turning point in your family’s story.
The work starts with you—but you don’t have to do it alone. Are you ready to break the cycle?
About the Author
Molly Morrow is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Molly helps individuals, couples, and families look at relational patterns, get in touch with their needs, and reach your goals for building connection.
Blog References:
Branje, S., Geeraerts, S., de Zeeuw, E. L., Oerlemans, A. M., Koopman-Verhoeff, M. E., Schulz, S., Nelemans, S., Meeus, W., Hartman, C. A., Hillegers, M. H. J., Oldehinkel, A. J., & Boomsma, D. I. (2020). Intergenerational transmission: Theoretical and methodological issues and an introduction to four Dutch cohorts. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 45, 100835. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dcn.2020.100835
Marschall, Amy. “Intergenerational Trauma: What You Need to Know.” Verywell Mind, 14 May 2024, www.verywellmind.com/what-is-integenerational-trauma-5211898.
McLeod, Saul. “Albert Bandura’s Social Learning Theory.” Simply Psychology, 1 Feb. 2024, www.simplypsychology.org/bandura.html.
Taccini F, Rossi AA and Mannarini S (2021) Intergenerational Transmission of Relational Styles: Current Considerations. Front. Psychol.12:672961. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2021.672961