Fear and Fantasy: Tips on How to Become a Healthy Dater
“Ego says I want someone to fill me up. Spirit says I’ll have someone to help wake me up, to challenge my blind spots and be a companion and playmate on the journey.”
Re-entering the world of dating can be “intimidating.”
However, it also has the potential to be really exciting. If you have experienced the butterflies that come with connecting to someone special, you know what I mean. But sometimes this excitement can take over into something bigger - fantasy. So, how do we enter into the world of dating without falling into fear or fantasy?
Many people struggle to maintain a healthy approach. After all, who actually taught us to date in a healthy way? A lot of times, we fall into unhealthy patterns of dating without realizing why. This is true for maladaptive behaviors outside of dating as well. Thankfully, with proper guidance, we can heal the deep wounds that underlie our maladaptive behaviors, and break the cycles that hold us back from living our best lives. With that, here are three tips to help you move from out of your old cycles and towards healthy dating.
Disclaimer: every person is different, and will probably need a tailored approach to dating based on who they are and their past experiences. Keep that in mind as you read the following points and seek an experienced therapist if you would like more information on how to create your own personal healthy dating plan.
1. Know What You Want and What You Have To Give
I want to be very clear from the get-go on this one: when I say “know what you want,” I do not mean you should make a lengthy list of requirements for your future spouse. If you already have such a list, you will probably need to narrow it down to the essentials. Ask yourself: What do I deeply value in a partner? What do I deeply value in my own life? What is a “deal breaker” for me?
Writing down your answers to these questions can keep you grounded during the dating process. If you aren’t grounded, you might run off into fantasy land with someone who does not match up with your core values. You could also compromise your own values out of fear. For example, if one of your top values is health, you probably wouldn’t want to date someone who smokes and eats takeout for every meal. Why? Even though the answer may seem obvious, let’s unpack the situation. On the one hand, you may ignore this person’s unhealthy habits because you love being with them. If this is the case, you are likely to abandon your value of health over time, molding to the other person’s habits. On the other hand, you may minimize the importance of your health out of fear of losing the other person. You won’t present yourself authentically, because if you did, the relationship would be compromised. In either scenario, you end up sacrificing your value of health. Of course, this is just one example - these scenarios can apply to any value a person holds.
Not only is it important to think about what you value and want in a partner, but also what you have to offer. For example, if I am entering the dating scene looking for a casual “good time,” I probably shouldn’t date someone who wants a serious relationship since that is not something I could give them. Another example would be time. If I work over 40 hours per week, it's best to be upfront with the person I am dating on my time constraints.
2. Set a Dating Timeline
This point may be more or less relevant to you depending on your previous experiences with dating. If you are someone who tends to rush into relationships and fantasize, or someone who tends to drag your feet and stays detached, you would likely benefit from setting a dating timeline. If you tend to rush, setting a timeline ensures that you are able to take your time and truly get to know an individual. If you tend to stay detached, setting a timeline may help to keep you engaged in connecting with your new partner. Here is a list of example questions to consider for your dating timeline (adapted from The Foundry Clinical Group):
When would it be appropriate to bring a potential partner into my living space?
At what point do I want to introduce my partner to my family?
When would be an appropriate time for my partner and I to start having sex?
How much money do I want to spend on our first couple of dates?
While “planning” so far in advance may seem like overkill to some, for others, being intentional and writing a timeline is key when it comes to healthy dating. There is a theory called The Relationship Attachment Model, which outlines the order of healthy dating: Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch. When you think about it, this order is logical. How can you trust in someone if you don’t know them? And how could you rely on someone if you do not already trust them? You can’t. Many people skip straight to physical touch in the beginning of their relationship. John Van Epp, author of “How to Avoid Falling In Love with A Jerk” points out that by doing this you are “...creating a false sense of intimacy…” (Van Epp, 2007, p84).
3. Date from the Spirit, not Ego
I know, I know, this one may sound a little bit out there. Let me explain what I mean by “ego” and “spirit.” In her book, “If The Buddha Dated,” author Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D. explains that when someone dates from their ego, they are concerned about being “completed” or “filled” by another person. As a result, they go to great lengths for love and acceptance. This could look like bragging about their accomplishments or abandoning a part of who they are to become more likable. On the other hand, when someone dates out of spirit, they are looking for companionship rather than completion. This person won’t compromise who they are as a person, and they will accept the risks of a relationship without letting fear guide their path. If their relationship ends, the person dating in spirit allows themselves to feel the grief rather than avoiding it (Kasl, 1999). In short, when you date from your ego, you bend who you are. When you date in spirit, you are true to yourself and your experiences.
One reason why people date from the ego is because they have attachment wounds from childhood that they have yet to heal. The relationships we have with our parents deeply impact how we interact with others as adults. If you didn’t get the care and affection you needed as a child, you may have a tendency to date from ego in order to have those needs met. Thankfully, you can work towards secure attachment and heal deep wounds with the help of an experienced therapist. Then, you will be more emotionally available to date from spirit and honor yourself.
Lastly, I want to tell you that you are not going to date perfectly, and that’s ok. As long as you are working towards betterment, I would say you are in a pretty good spot. As scary and overwhelming as dating can be, so can self - improvement. Thankfully, you don’t have to do it alone.
Van Epp, J. (2007). How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. McGraw Hill Contemporary Learning.
Kasl, C. (1999). If The Budda Dated. Arkana, AR: Penguin Group.
Do you find that you resonate with much of the information presented about dating? Are you curious about how else we might be able to help? To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating attachment wounds, trauma, addiction, and relationships.
About the Author
Celeste is a marketing professional who is passionate about making sure others feel seen and heard. She graduated with a Bachelors in Psychology, and is constantly learning about new research and trends in the field.