Sobriety Versus Recovery: What is the difference?
Do you want to avoid a destructive behavior OR do you want to be happy and heal your life?
This is one of the first questions I ask clients who come to me for help with an addiction or other problem behavior that has caused suffering to them or the people they love. Before the first session, they often think the answer is to get the behavior “under control,” reduce it just enough to appease someone they’ve betrayed, or somehow find a way to keep the behavior but get rid of its painful consequences.
When I ask this question about happiness, I usually get 1 of 2 responses:
1) They stare blankly for a minute and I watch their internal battle: “Happiness would be nice...but I don’t actually know what that looks like, if I’m worth it, or if that is even possible…so let’s shut this question down and just manage this behavior real quick so I can move on with my life,” or
2) “I definitely want to be happy and heal my life! Just don’t ask me to do anything that will feel uncomfortable.”
In both of these scenarios, people want to find a way to solve their problems or find relief from their suffering without feeling vulnerable. They want to stop a behavior that has often been a primary source of coping for many years, but without looking at the functions of that behavior, the pain beneath it, or the bigger picture of their life. Can you relate? This is the human desire: to get to the other side without going through the scary tunnel. It is normal! But the reality is that avoiding discomfort is often what gets us into addiction, and makeshift workarounds don’t last.
What is Addiction, Really?
Addiction can manifest in many forms, and none of us are immune. It often sneaks up on us accidentally from overuse of a medicating behavior or substance that becomes a compulsive dependency over time. Usually, the behavior itself is not inherently “bad,” but the overuse of the behavior to numb, medicate, or meet an unconscious need becomes an addiction with physical, emotional, mental, relational, and spiritual consequences. See below a list of things that can become substance or process addictions if their use becomes unmanageable. Note that there are many other behaviors that any person could recognize as harmful and self-sabotaging and be “in recovery” for.
Common Medicators:
These behaviors were at one point adaptive, sometimes even creative ways to get our needs met. They serve a purpose and when we unpack the underlying function, it makes sense. But over time they escalate, get out of control, and become detrimental to our well-being and the well-being of those around us. In order to establish sobriety and recovery for an addictive behavior, we must acknowledge that it has gone too far, get support, and make a decision to change.
What is Sobriety?
Letting go of your old emotional life raft (aka addictive behavior) and establishing sobriety can be terrifying. Many people vacillate on the idea for months or years. When we peel back the layers of the onion, oftentimes people have a fear deep in their core that says, “Without this to soothe me, I might die.” Releasing a destructive coping mechanism and learning that we can tolerate life without it takes tremendous courage and social support.
Sobriety Looks Like:
A “state of being”
Focusing attention on abstaining from the destructive behavior
Detoxing from the addictive behavior or substance
Experiencing a dopamine deficit
Learning about self-regulation, healthy coping, and daily self-care (but maybe not practicing it)
A period of “White knuckling:” grimly holding onto sobriety despite facing internal/external pressure and stress
Engaging in cognitive behavioral therapies and creating a relapse prevention plan
The Risks of Sobriety Without Recovery:
Continuing other reactive behaviors like dishonesty, blaming, minimizing, or not keeping commitments to self or others (“dry drunk”)
Maintaining emotional isolation and experiencing continual difficulty living in the present moment and processing stress
An increased use of co-occurring medicators or seeking alternatives to escape distress (“addiction-swapping”)
A higher risk of relapse resulting from the sense of withdrawal
Underlying emotional pain and a shame-based view of self leading to the addiction going unaddressed
The courageous choice to establish sobriety is an important and necessary step in the process of change. It is a commendable leap of faith, and many people say that the first step is the hardest part. But without the vulnerability, connection, responsibility, and trauma work of recovery, sobriety alone is often not sustained.
What is Recovery?
While sobriety is about avoiding harmful coping strategies, recovery is about healing so you don’t need them. In recovery, we don’t just avoid our medicators. We heal our relationship with them. We discover the antidote to addiction: connection. We identify the underlying emotional and psychological needs we were attempting to meet, and we learn to get our needs met in new, healthy ways that feel good to us and to others.
Short Term Recovery Looks Like:
Beginning a “journey” of healing and personal growth
Admitting life has become unmanageable and recognizing addictive behavior as a symptom of something deeper
Practicing tolerating emotions (guilt, shame, loneliness, resentment, fear) that have been numbed or repressed
Practicing self-regulation, healthy coping, and integrating daily self-care
Shifting your focus of attention on engaging in healing behaviors rather than only avoiding destructive ones
Being in the messy middle (“I let go of the old way but I am still learning the new way”)
Recognizing unmet needs and facing childhood trauma that may be a root-cause of maladaptive coping
Practicing being honest and transparent (about behaviors, mistakes, and feelings)
Prioritizing connection, engaging in a social support community like group therapy or 12 step; open up to safe people
Accessing courage to admit vulnerability and practice humility: “I can’t do it alone”, “I am a work in progress,” “I am struggling,” “I messed up:” practicing making repairs
Setting internal and external boundaries and respecting others’ boundaries
Long Term Recovery Looks Like:
Assuming full responsibility for choices, thoughts, feelings and needs (ownership)
Focusing of attention on being my best, authentic self, living my values, personal growth (integrity, authenticity)
Realizing connection is the antidote to addiction and practicing intimacy skills daily with family, friends, and community (connection)
Embracing imperfection, establishing steadiness, leaning into the dialectics of recovery (balance, flexibility)
Recognizing threats to recovery, recognizing traits of safe people, maintaining self care (discernment)
Developing the confidence, tools, and emotional stability to face challenges and manage them with grace (security in self)
Holding space for introspection, mindfulness, spiritual connectedness, ability to make meaning of suffering and recognize opportunities for healing and growth (wisdom)
Clarifying life vision, deepest desires and purpose and moving toward it (purpose)
The gifts of recovery often feel completely out of reach on Day 1, especially when your life or relationships are in a state of crisis. Many people choose to “start with sobriety and go from there” and that’s okay. The reality is that many of the people who felt really scared and stared blankly when I asked the happiness question are the same folks who experience gratitude, fulfillment, laughter, and offer a source of hope to others today. They accessed courage, used their support, and got there one day at a time. So what if you are worth it? What if you do deserve it? What if it is possible for you to change your life?
