Gaining Clarity: Is My Relationship Worth Saving?
If you have found yourself reading this, it's possible that you or your partner have experienced feelings of ambivalence towards your relationship and may be considering whether or not the relationship is worth saving. This is not an easy place for either partner to find themselves. Especially if you and your partner are not on the same page and feel stuck without a sense of clarity or clear direction. While you may be feeling isolated and confused, you are not alone! In fact, research by discernment experts has shown that divorce ideations (thoughts of ending the relationship) are common, often change over time, and do not necessarily mean the relationship is going to end (Hawkins et al., 2017).
In this blog, we will take a closer look at what discernment counseling is, if it may be the right fit for you and your partner, how each individual in the dynamic can best support themselves through this process, and gain confidence while making this important decision.
Gaining Clarity as a Couple Through Discernment Counseling:
Discernment counseling is defined as a short-term form of couples counseling that follows a specific protocol created by Bill Doherty and The Doherty Relationship Institute. The purpose of discernment counseling is not to work on long-term relational repair, rather it is to support the couple in deciding what path they would like to take regarding their relationship.
Is Discernment the Right Fit for Us?
When we are in an ambivalent place or feeling emotionally flooded by our partner's ambivalence it can be challenging to decide what move you want to make next. This relationship dynamic is referred to as a “mixed agenda relationship” where one partner is leaning out (ambivalent) and the other is leaning in (committed to the relationship). Doherty states, “If one spouse is not sure they want to stay married AND doubts that couples therapy can help, then Discernment Counseling is exactly where the couple belongs. The leaning-out partner is supported where they are emotionally, and the leaning-in spouse is equally supported in their own emotional state.” (Home - Discernment Counseling, 2022). It is not unusual for couples to experience shifts in their relationship that may change how each partner identifies at any given time during its course. Discernment expert Steven Harris notes that it is common for degrees of love and happiness to vary in long-term relationships for both parties. With that being said, it's important that you are honest with yourself, your partner, and your therapist about where you are so you get the support you need.
By exploring the ambivalence and holding space for each other's perspective, couples are able to develop ownership of the co-created cycle. Also, with the support of a discernment counselor, couples can develop confidence in deciding one of the three possible pathways outlined below.
The Outcomes of Discernment Counseling can be…
Status Quo: deciding to stay in the relationship "as is".
Separation: proceeding with divorce or breakup.
Couples therapy: six-month commitment; couple agrees on a clear agenda for personal change and ending the relationship is taken off the table.
Discernment counseling can be an incredible tool for the couple. But it's important that each spouse gets the individual support they need in order to be engaged and open to the emotional rollercoaster that may come with discernment counseling.
Gaining Clarity from an Individual Perspective:
As mentioned above, discernment counseling can be a challenging process and should be entered into with intentionality and support. Having a healthy fulfilling relationship starts by connecting to yourself in order to feel confident and grounded in how we show up for one another. It's important to note that individuals within relationships that experienced complex trauma may need additional support from an individual therapist to explore possible trauma responses or attachment wounds that could unintentionally be contributing to hurt or distress within the relationship.
If you identify as the Leaning-Out partner you may want to ask yourself a few key questions.
Why Now?: What has shifted or changed in your relationship with yourself or your relationship with your partner that triggered feelings of ambivalence?
Have I been honest with my partner about divorce ideation?: It is important that your partner understands where you are at this time in your relationship. Additionally, keeping these thoughts to yourself can be isolating and lead to further disconnection. By communicating about the ambivalence in an empathic and grounded way, you are not only being genuine about your experience but also extending vulnerability to your spouse.
What Role am I Playing in the Co-created Cycle?: While it can be uncomfortable to look closer at choices or behaviors that may be creating distance between you and your spouse, it is imperative that you understand your role in the dynamic to identify areas of personal growth.
If you Identify as the Leaning-In partner, here are a few key steps and questions you can ask yourself in order to maintain a self-focus and take care of yourself during this process
Have I Heard My Partner's Concerns?: This can be really challenging, but it is important that we listen to your partner’s concerns about the relationship with empathy rather than dismissing them.
What Are My Personal Boundaries?: Throughout this process, it is imperative that the leaning-in partner creates space to explore personal boundaries. These can include boundaries around the leaning-out partner's requests for change within the relationship, or even how long they are willing to continue leaning in.
Am I taking Care of Myself?: Taking steps to engage in active self care is not only helpful in maintaining self-focus, but it is also a tool to support healthy emotional regulation and grounded decision-making.
Taking the step to engage in discernment counseling whether you are the leaning-in or the leaning-out partner is a brave choice. Connecting with a therapist that you trust is a great place to start.
Hawkins, A. J., Galovan, A. M., Harris, S. M., Allen, S. E., Allen, S. M., Roberts, K. M., & Schramm, D. G. (2017). What Are They Thinking? A National Study of Stability and Change in Divorce Ideation. Family process, 56(4), 852–868. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12299
Home - Discernment Counseling. (2022, August 31). Discernment Counseling. https://discernmentcounseling.com/?https%3A%2F%2Fdiscernmentcounseling_com%2F
Did this blog resonate with you? Do you feel like you are in a mixed agenda relationship? Finding support for yourself may be a great place to start to gain clarity. To find out if treatment at The Haven is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of counselors are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in healing relationships and as well as treating betrayal, trauma, and addiction.
About the Author
Anna Drage is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Associate and Certified Trauma Professional. Anna works with individuals ready to explore relational patterns, attachment wounds, and past and current traumas.