Intent vs Impact: Which Matters Most in Repair?
“Why does it matter that I came home 30 minutes later than I said I would? I was working hard to provide for our family and she’s just criticizing me”. I hear similar refrains like this many days as a couples therapist; these moments of misattunement, or instances where a couple misses each other and get disconnected, can cause a lot of conflict in relationships. Whether it’s about washing the dishes, spending quality time together, or an offhand comment, all couples will unintentionally hurt each other. In these cases, the intent (what I tried to do) does not match the impact (how it hurt this person). Most of the time, we don’t have bad intentions when these moments happen, but we get further disconnected and frustrated when we don’t acknowledge the impact we’ve had on our partner. A key that will help unlock greater connection and understanding in your relationship is owning up to the impact we have on each other, even in moments with good intent.
Examples of Intent vs. Impact
What do these moments of conflicting impact and intent look like in everyday life? They don’t have to be big decisions or pivotal choices; most of the time we miss each other in the smallest of moments.
I promise to clean the kitchen when my partner is running errands, but I get caught up on a work call and forget about the cleaning. My partner feels unimportant, overwhelmed, and unheard. The impact (hurting my partner and them feeling not prioritized), does not match the intent (supporting my partner and distributing chores).
I poke fun at a quirk of my partner’s to gently tease them, but they feel hurt and mocked. The impact (my partner feeling torn down and criticized) does not match the intent (to connect and laugh together).
I’m wrapped up in my phone and don’t tune into my partner as they’re sharing about their day. The impact (my partner feeling rejected and lonely) does not match the intent (winding down to rest after a long day).
What can we do when we have these moments of differing intent and impact? First, we have to acknowledge what NOT to do.
Where We Get Stuck
Oftentimes due to our own shame or guilt, we can get defensive when our partner shares hurt with us. Instead of accepting the reality that something we have done has harmed our partner, we often respond in the following ways:
You know that’s not what I meant.
You’re being too sensitive.
I’m sorry if you feel…
I was trying to…
In the common responses above, we miss our partner, cause more hurt, and potentially make the conflict even bigger rather than resolving it. Why?
We minimize or deny what they’re feeling (“It’s not a big deal”, “If I hurt you…”)
We criticize them for being hurt (“You’re too sensitive, you need to get thicker skin”)
We explain the intent instead of acknowledging the impact (“I didn’t mean that, I was stuck at work!”)
Using these approaches will do the opposite of what we want (smoothing the conflict and re-establishing connection) because our partner will feel unheard, invalidated, and unimportant. These tactics will cause greater harm and potentially heighten the conflict. To truly reconnect, we have to sit with the reality that we hurt our partner and know that this fact will not change by explaining or minimizing what happened. The hurt will be there regardless; the truth is that no one has ever been convinced to not feel hurt by someone’s persuasion or defensiveness.
Something that can help when dealing with shame is remembering our common humanity. Here’s the deal - 100% of couples, even those who are kind, considerate, and loving, will have moments where the intent of a choice doesn’t match the impact. It’s simply going to happen, because we are in a relationship with someone who has different life experiences, fears, needs, and worldview than we do. Unintentionally hurting our partner is inevitable and does not mean that we are a bad partner. Remembering this can help us see moments where my partner expresses hurt as opportunities to show I care about them and their hurt, rather than moments to justify myself as a partner. Something that can help when dealing with shame is remembering our common humanity.
Repairing by Listening, Validating, and Taking Responsibility for Impact
One of my favorite relationship quotes is by Dr. John Gottman, who says to his wife “When you’re in pain, the world stops and I listen.” It’s a valuable mindset to develop, because it helps us shift our perspective on these moments from nuisances to chances to show our partner love, care, and understanding. When in conversation with your partner, here are some tools to use when in conversation with your partner that are helpful no matter what the situation was that caused harm.
Listen to understand
What matters is not the surface-level event itself, but how it made your partner feel and what message they received as a result. Ask questions in these moments to understand how your actions impacted them.
Validate your partner’s experience
Once you understand how you impacted your partner, validate their feelings and experience, saying something like “It makes complete sense that me focusing on my phone instead of what you were saying hurt and made you feel like Instagram was more important to me than you in that moment”.
Take accountability for your actions and the impact it had on your partner
Own what you did and the harm that it caused! As hard as it can be, put it into words - “I am so sorry that I focused on my phone instead of listening to you and that I hurt you. I’ll do better at disconnecting from technology when you want to connect after our work days.”
By doing these things above, we are able to slow down and attune to our partner. By listening, validating, and apologizing, we send the message that we get their experience and they matter to us.
Importance of Communicating Hurtful Impacts
What if you were the one hurt by the impact of your partner’s actions? Is it really that important to communicate it?
If we are truly hurt rather than just annoyed by our partner, then yes - it is important to express this. When we don’t take ownership for our feelings and needs and instead let hurt and moments of misattunement pile up in the relationship, we can create a breeding ground for resentment. Don’t let this happen! Be proactive by recognizing the hurt you’ve experienced and expressing it to your partner rather than holding back and letting the blame and anger grow. By holding back, we don’t give our partner the opportunity to repair, because they may not even know that the impact and intent of their actions didn’t match up.
A great way to communicate hurt feelings and needs in a clear and kind way is by using a gentle startup, which was coined by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The formula for a gentle startup is as follows:
“I feel/felt ______ (feeling word), when _________ (specific situation, not a generalization) happens/happened. I need _______ (positive need) moving forward”.
An example of this could look like “I felt ignored and lonely when you looked at your phone and didn’t respond when I was sharing about my day. I need us to have dedicated time after the kids go to bed to put technology away and reconnect.”
Expressing our needs and feelings in this way is more likely to garner empathy from our partner, rather than criticizing or attacking.
If you’re feeling stuck with how to reconnect after moments of differing intent and impact, pursuing an Emotionally Focused Therapist might be a helpful place to start, because this theory focuses on the needs, fears, feelings, and longings that underlie these surface level moments. It centers on shifting protective, negative cycles that push us apart to connective, vulnerable patterns; a big part of that is owning the impact we have on each other and responding with empathy, understanding, and attunement.
If you and your partner are having trouble with intent vs impact? At The Haven, our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in rebuilding relationships alongside treating betrayal trauma, complex trauma, and addiction. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation.
About the Author
Kirstin Franklin is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. Kirstin helps individuals and couples examine relational patterns, get in touch with their needs, and express those needs in vulnerability during the healing process.