When Family Time Drives You Crazy

Ahhhh… family, family, family. This is for those who may dread going “home for the holidays” or for those who experience heightened emotions when time is spent with immediate family, extended family, or in-laws. This is for those who have not-so-pleasant memories seeing their childhood home, or even those who struggle to stay regulated or calm on a 5-minute phone call with Mom. Family difficulties can be exhausting. Maybe you’re in your head right now saying, “you know, I agree that sometimes my family triggers me but I’m thankful for them. They’ve really helped me through some hard times, so I feel bad for even thinking this.” I hear you. It’s good to note that gratitude and thankfulness can coexist with other not-so-great emotions you may be feeling.  So, how do you get through these difficulties?

Navigating Conflict

Disconnections and family conflict are normal. They happen all the time to everyone, everywhere! What really matters is how you navigate that conflict. This actually all starts when you’re a baby. Researchers Ed Tronick and Andrew Gianino (1986) completed a study analyzing how often babies and caregivers are attuned to each other, which just means how aware they are of each others’ needs and responding to those needs. The researchers found that even in securely attached individuals, babies and their caregivers are only in sync or attuned roughly 30% of the time. For the other 70%, the two are making repairs to become aligned again.* Babies work towards repairs with their smiles, gestures, and their gazes. So, what does this mean as you get older? As a child, teen, and now adult, you are careful of others' needs, reactions, and responses in the hope of remaining attuned to one another. However, there is a balance. Too much vigilance of others can lead to fear, or over-analyzing others' responses and reactions. Let’s look at what happens if you were not taught how to make repairs or how to navigate situations when those repair attempts were not reciprocated by your caregivers. 

Dealing with The Emotions

The big reactions you have in response to various memories or triggers have a name: regressed reactivity. Sometimes being around certain people or being put back into your family system, you can regress or revert to old behavioral patterns. You might flop into old roles, which may have looked like being a caretaker, hero, or even the scapegoat. Maybe you had to parent your parent or care for younger siblings.

But why does this happen? We can take this all the way back to Sigmund Freud, who noted that regressed reactivity is more of an unconscious defense mechanism that results in reverting to an earlier stage of development. Think of this as a way that your inner child communicates their distress. Then to understand it and work through it, we must first understand that underlying and unmet need. 

Ways To Cope

It’s normal to have an immediate reaction or an impulse to do something when you feel big emotions. It could look like self-soothing with food, yelling back at your mom, or distracting yourself in other ways. Below are some ways to create NEW habits and responses to help with your emotional regulation.

Emotional regulation is the ability to fully feel your emotions, name them in your body, breathe, and allow them to just happen versus fighting against them, numbing them, or shaming yourself for feeling them. Naming where you feel these things in your body after being triggered sometimes is easier than having to describe what you feel. Let's look at an example to use when your family asks about your relationship or make comments about your plate of food: 

Name it in your body: “I feel queasy in my belly,” “I feel a heavy sensation in my chest,” “I feel my throat tightening up,” “I feel my shoulders getting tense.”

Breathe: Take 5 slow, deep breaths. Breathe fully into your lungs and expand the chest. Breathe out slowly, really feeling your lungs empty.

Accept: Say to yourself “I feel upset right now, and it’s okay for me to be upset.” 

Move: Take a short walk. If you don’t have time for that, maybe shake your body or do jumping jacks to release the energy built up in your nervous system. 

Choose: You have the choice to empower yourself. You are the creator of what you accept, and what you are (and aren’t) responsible for. Be confident in your ability to respond and regulate effectively. 

It’s important to try to move the energy throughout your body before making any decision, reaction, or choice. Physically moving your body will shift your thought patterns, provide mental clarity, and give you access to make emotionally regulated choices. 

BOUNDARY SETTING

Picture this: Your mother may ask you what your dating life is like, your grandmother may question if you are still practicing your religion, your Dad wants to know why you never come home to spend time with your mother, or maybe even your aunt interrogates you about your parents’ divorce. Amy Arnsten and colleagues note that in response to the stress of being put on the spot, your brain is flooded with arousal chemicals, such as dopamine and norepinephrine.** These high chemical levels shut off neuron firing, and as network activity diminishes, so does your, drumroll please, ability to regulate your behavior! In these situations, self-control and being mindful of your responses can be a tricky balancing act. Let me give you some background on boundaries. Then I’ll give you some boundary prompts to use to set them and how to respond to those difficult questions. 

Boundaries protect you and others. They are reasonable guidelines to show others what you need to feel safe. The boundaries you set are in your control, and they are different from demands and requests. Requests voice your desires in a respectable manner, giving others the choice to respect them or not. Demands are forceful statements that something must be done, usually with a tone of aggression. Demands usually occur when you are not emotionally regulated.

3 types of boundaries:

Rigid Boundaries: These could look like cutting people off when conflict arises, keeping people at arms length because of the fear of rejection, or even struggling to trust others. 

Porous Boundaries: These could look like needing to explain or justify why you’re saying no (FYI just saying “no” can be considered a boundary), not being able to keep things private or oversharing, or feeling dependent on others’ approval, opinion, or acceptance. 

Healthy Boundaries: These are being able to say no (without justification), being able to stick with your sense of self when actively listening to other people's perspectives, and being able to communicate openly and honestly. Healthy boundaries are your best option for staying connected to yourself and others simultaneously.

Here is a little prompt you can use to help you set those boundaries.

• Acknowledging: “I know I haven't said anything about ____ in the past, but I realize that I am uncomfortable with it.”

• Understanding: “I know you care about me and have good intentions when you say/do ______, but at the same time it makes me feel ______ and it does not work for me when you say/do ______.”

• State your boundary: “Please do not say/do _______.”

• Enforce limits or alternatives: “If you say/do ______ again, I will do _____.” OR “Could we do _____ instead?”

Now that you have some background on what boundaries are and a prompt to help in setting those, here are some boundary responses you can attempt to use when someone asks you a question that you do not feel comfortable answering.

• “I understand why you are curious, it’s just not something I want to discuss right now.”

• “Thanks for asking, I’m just not ready to answer that question.”

• “Asking that question puts a ton of pressure on me. I’m sure you don’t mean it that way, but I would prefer not to answer it.”

Now, if the people-pleaser in you is like “I have to answer, those responses are so direct I am not comfortable with that yet, but feel as if I have to give them something…” 

Try offering compromises or alternatives to show that you are willing and dedicated to finding common ground and resolving conflicts. This could sound like “I’m not ready to answer that question relating to my relationship, but I’m open to answering other questions you may have about my work.” 

Emotion regulation and setting boundaries are forms of self-care. We set boundaries with our safety in mind, and align those boundaries with our values to honor our authentic self. My hope is that through emotion regulation and boundary setting, you find clarity and peace to nurture yourself and your well-being while still making the most out of your time with family.

*Tronick, E., & Gianino, A. (1986). Apa PsycNet. American Psychological Association. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1987-15272-001 

**Arnsten, A., Mazure, C. M., & Sinha, R. (2012, April). This is your brain in Meltdown. Scientific American. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4774859/

Do you have difficult family dynamics? Are you curious about how we might be able to help? To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating attachment wounds, trauma, addiction, and relationships.

About the Author

Devon Weathers is Clinical Mental Health Counseling graduate student and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist candidate. Devon specializes in working with individuals with process addiction, substance addiction, trauma, and relational issues.