15 Types of Intimate Betrayal
If you’ve experienced betrayal in a primary relationship, you likely understand how painful it can be. It can feel devastating, disillusioning, and very, very confusing. When a betrayal occurs, the foundational agreements of trustworthiness, commitment, and emotional safety are harmed or destroyed. Both parties often feel disconnected, overwhelmed and insecure.
Because of the power of denial, the impact of betrayal, and the fact that few people broadcast their betrayal for others to learn from, many couples question if their experience is “valid” or if it should be “considered a betrayal.” It can be helpful to know that there are many types of betrayal, each with nuanced motivations, behaviors, and underlying issues. Recognizing when a betrayal occurs and naming your experience help to:
live in reality
honor your feelings
hold yourself or your partner accountable
gain insight on the common question of “why” a betrayal occurred
get clarity on what needs to happen for emotional healing, recovery, or relationship repair
Below are 15 types of intimate betrayal. While this list is not exhaustive, it includes betrayals that are common and betrayals that are often misunderstood, questioned or dismissed.
Chronic Secrets and Deceit
No one is honest 100% of the time, but chronic deception, even about “little things”, has a massive impact on relational trust. Deception includes lying, half-truths, lying by omission, making ambiguous or vague statements, manipulating information using exaggeration or minimization, and gaslighting. Secrets and deceit often pair with other forms of betrayal such as cheating, addiction, lies about money, or extramarital alliances. The motivation for deceit is often rooted in a fear of punishment, fear of embarrassment, or a desire for admiration. It is continuously reported that the deceit factor is the most painful part of betrayal.
Emotional Affair
Emotional affairs are a common but often dismissed form of betrayal. They are dangerous to slip into and easy to rationalize due to the perceived gray-area between friendship and a romantic relationship. Signs of emotional affairs include sharing emotionally vulnerable information that you do not share with your spouse or would not want your spouse to know you shared, as well as flirtation and feeling a “confidence-boost” from the affection and admiration you receive. The betraying partner may feel guilty, but rationalize the behavior to continue getting the good feelings that the affair provides or to avoid mourning the loss of the extramarital relationship.
One-Night Stand
Unplanned one-night stands occur impulsively in the heat of the moment, often anonymously and when alcohol is involved. The betraying partner is often genuinely shocked by their own behavior, reporting “it just happened.” This type of betrayal often occurs during travel or work functions when the betraying partner has low accountability, low self-esteem, or sexual curiosity. In this form of betrayal, there is rarely an emotional attachment. The betraying partner often feels regret, fear, guilt, and confusion about how the behavior occurred despite high levels of marital satisfaction at home. They often try to hide it, but the secret creates marital disconnection over time.
If one-night stands recur with different partners over time, see ‘Sex Addiction’.
Sex Addiction
Sex addiction involves sexual fantasy or behavior that escalates over time, creates negative consequences in many areas of life, and feels out of control. It is an umbrella term for a collection of behaviors such as excessive sexual fantasy, masturbation, pornography, multiple affairs, strip clubs, prostitutes, exhibitionism, or other risky sexual behaviors. Sex addiction is not about intimacy or sex. In fact, it is often an intimacy-avoidance disorder. Like with other addictions, sex addiction is more about getting “high” from arousal, numbing emotions, an attempt to meet unconscious needs or act out unresolved issues. Most sex addicts feel shame about their behavior and desire to be committed to their spouse, but the compulsive behavior continues until they seek treatment. This pattern is often devastating for a partner to discover and difficult to understand.
Love Addiction
Although love addictions can involve sex, the addictive obsession and compulsivity of love addiction are more focused on seeking attention, validation, and the desire for intense connection than on physical touch. Love addicts tend to undervalue their primary partner and often fantasize and idealize the object of their desire. They then feel devastated when their expectations for unconditional love and connection are not met. These relationships usually involve obsessive time, attention, and value given to the other person. They are often brief, intense relationships and in longer relationships tend to have many extreme ups and downs.
Substance Abuse
Substance abuse chemically alters the brain, personality, and one’s ability to function. When impaired by drugs or alcohol, a person’s true self goes offline and in essence, leaves the relationship until sobriety is reestablished. This process, in addition to the hiding, denying, and minimizing of the substance use, can create inconsistency, a sense of unreliability, and can threaten the life the couple has built together. Partners betrayed by substance abuse often report feeling as if the alcohol or drug is a third party in the relationship and that their sense of security and trust feel unstable.
Cybersex, Chatting
Behaviors include online messaging, video-chatting, filming sex acts, or creating romantic relationships in apps, chatrooms, virtual reality or video games. Partners who engage in cybersex or cyber-emotional relationships often rationalize the behavior by creating a different persona for themselves, claiming it is anonymous or emphasizing that they have not met affair partners in “real life.” However, online betrayal is no less dangerous or damaging, as it redirects energy and attention from the primary relationship.
Physical Threats, Raging
Most relationships begin with the assumption that the person you love will care about your well-being and never intentionally hurt you. When tempers are lost, raging begins, threats are made and harm is inflicted, not only attachment security is damaged, but also the sense of physical safety. Physical threats do not only include physically harming or verbal threats to harm, but also threatening gestures, tone and body language that demonstrate a ‘power-over’ dynamic. These actions betray the relationship and inhibit the couple’s ability to connect.
Psychological Abuse, Gaslighting
Psychological abuse and gaslighting are used to intentionally weaken a partner’s self-esteem and reality. This can be done through bullying, blaming, stonewalling, or questioning their sanity, perception, or memories. The purpose of this tactic is often to express anger, maintain power and control, or deflect and project their own wounds and insecurities. Some argue that this form of betrayal can be the most devastating and difficult to heal from, as it disconnects the betrayed individual from their reality and sense of self, and the psychological impact endures even if the relationship ends. It is difficult to connect in relationships until the abuse stops and the betrayed individual learns to trust him or herself. Individual healing for both partners is often necessary before relationship repair can be considered.
Intimacy Avoidance and Neglect
Intimacy Avoidance is a form of betrayal whether or not there is an extramarital affair involved. Whether the avoidant spouse is fearful of emotional vulnerability, distracted by work or personal hobbies, punishing with silence, withholding sex, or controlling with conditional commitment, this betrayal damages security and relationship attachment. This form of betrayal is often deeply rooted in the intimacy avoidant’s childhood attachment injuries. Signs of adult intimacy avoidance and neglect include feelings of being roommates, loneliness and “empty love”.
Revenge, Entitlement
This form of betrayal can be an intentional, malicious retaliation against the primary partner and/or a symptom of narcissism. It can be rooted in anger, a desire to regain power, or a belief that “If I want it, I should have it”. With revenge and entitlement, there is significantly less guilt than in other forms of betrayal. The bold carelessness or intentional motivation to hurt are often seen by the betrayed partner as more hurtful than the behavior itself.
Exit Affair
This form of betrayal occurs when a spouse feels disconnected, resentful, or stuck in the marriage and uses the betrayal to transition out of the primary relationship. The betraying spouse may engage in an exit affair long-term while planning the next relationship, or may engage in a short-term affair to sabotage and accelerate the separation and divorce process. Ultimately, this only exacerbates emotional pain for both partners.
Financial Secrets and Betrayal
Financial infidelity has the guilt, shame, fear and loss of trust of other betrayals, plus financial and potentially legal consequences. This type of betrayal often pairs with other forms of betrayal or secrets, depending on how the money is spent. It can occur in the form of gambling, compulsive spending, hidden job loss, secret financial responsibilities, hoarding income, or investing without understanding how finance works. Couples are at higher risk for financial infidelity when one partner handles all the money.
Threatening a Breakup, Abandonment
Verbal threats to leave your partner when you’re upset only add to conflict and relationship insecurity. These threats often provoke a partner’s self-protection rather than inviting problem solving or a positive focus on helpful change. Not being there for a partner in time of need, such as while they are hurting, grieving, or experiencing extreme stress are also often experienced as emotional abandonment. Betrayal by threats of leaving or abandonment triggers childhood attachment wounds that many people have regarding feeling unworthy, inadequate, or alone, further heightening the relational disconnection.
Alliances and Loyalty to Others over Spouse
This type of betrayal can occur when there is a coalition with friends, coworkers, extended family members, or children. Common examples of extra-marital loyalties include prioritizing your family of origin’s emotions over your marital needs, triangulating your children against your spouse, or failing to defend your spouse when friends or family criticize them. Without loyalty realignment and relationship repair, this form of betrayal can cause extremely high levels of resentment, contempt, and eventually lead to separation and divorce.
Do you resonate with these forms of betrayal? Are you curious about our recommendations for emotional healing or relationship repair? While each person’s experience of betraying or being betrayed is unique, there is always hope for healing. To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.
About the Author
Jessica McCall is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, Certified Partner Trauma Therapist, and founder of The Haven. Jessica understands individuals on both sides of betrayal and specializes in helping individuals and couples to recover from affairs, abuse, and addiction.