The 6 Stages of Partner Recovery
“When will I start to feel better?” is one of the biggest questions I get asked as a betrayal trauma specialist. While there is no one answer to this question, I remind my clients (both the betrayed and their spouse) that they will need time to process the transgressions that have occurred and build trust to fully heal. With consistent individual therapy and trust-building behaviors, their symptoms will reduce in intensity, frequency, and duration.
It is also helpful for clients to see a pathway for what future healing can look like. Specifically, I educate them on what the 6 stages of partner recovery look like.
Pre-discovery: This is the phase before you find out about betrayal behaviors. You may feel in the dark, experiencing a perfect relationship OR your intuition is letting you know that something feels off. You feel suspicious, but do not know what exactly is going on. You may experience self-doubt, anxiety, or financial consequences without any explanation.
Crisis/Information Gathering: You discover the betrayal and your world feels shattered. The truth is exposed, and you feel called to make decisions and take action. It is normal to begin asking repeated questions, seeking the truth and verification. You might feel as though you are on an emotional roller coaster, experiencing ambivalence about the relationship. During this stage, you may begin therapy and do research on recovery.
Shock: Your trauma symptoms begin to settle in. You may start to feel anger, resentment, and confusion, questioning how you will survive the situation. It’s also typical to start avoiding your triggers, experiencing numbness after the deep crisis. You begin to gather more support.
Grief: You still feel many emotions, yet are willing to face your pain. You begin to focus more on your own recovery rather than the relationship. The grieving process begins, and you feel a small sense of hope. Your focus shifts to taking care of yourself, and you become more introspective and self-aware.
Repair: You are fully focused on your own recovery. You want to honor yourself and take care of your own needs. Realizing that the betrayal was not your fault, you begin to recover your self-esteem and experience clarity surrounding the decisions you made in the relationship. Boundaries have improved, isolation has diminished, and hope for your future is renewed.
Growth: You no longer feel like a victim of someone else’s problem. Your confidence to solve problems has improved and you are flourishing. From your suffering, you have made meaning and are becoming your most authentic self.
The process of partner recovery does not have a time limit. We do not encourage anyone to rush through these stages as we believe each should be fully experienced in order to return to a meaningful life. According to Carol Jurgensen Sheets, the estimated time to reach full growth can take 3-5 years. Although this number can feel overwhelming, it also validates the reality that we need time and self-compassion to recover.
Do you find that you are struggling to regulate symptoms of betrayal trauma? Are you curious about other ways The Haven may be able to help? While managing the crisis after uncovering betrayal trauma can feel overwhelming, there are effective tools you can learn that will support you as you process and heal. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal trauma, complex trauma, addiction, and rebuilding relationships.
All of this information is from Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts (2011) by Dr. Stephanie Carnes & Help her Heal: An Empathy Workbook for Sex Addicts to Help Their Partners Heal (2019) by Carol Juergensen Sheets.
About the Author
Anna Taylor is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Associate, Associate Partner Trauma Therapist, Gottman Level 1 couples’ therapist, and a Prepare/Enrich Facilitator. Anna specializes in working alongside betrayed partners as they manage the acute crisis and develop self-regulation skills in order to promote healthy grieving and self-compassion.