I Can’t Manage this Crisis… or Can I?
I recently found out my partner cheated on me- I’m shocked and in crisis. How am I supposed to manage how I feel? This blog discusses how Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Distress Tolerance Skills can help you tolerate the shock and crisis stage of betrayal recovery.
Discovering that your partner has betrayed you is painful and traumatizing. You may be wondering-- What is real? Why did this happen? Do I want to stay or leave? How am I supposed to interact with my partner? How can I survive this? You are trying to survive this crisis.
I am so deeply sorry that you’ve discovered your person has lied, risked your wellbeing, and betrayed you. You may be feeling numb, angry, overwhelmed, deep despair, confused, paranoid, out-of-control, or in denial about what's happened to you. You may be thinking-- how can I trust them again? How could I not have known? Was it because of me? How could they do this to me? Or-- I want to know every single detail about what they did. No one can know about what they did. I want them to pay for what they’ve done to me. I don’t want to speak to them. I can’t stop speaking to them. I’m replaying these images over and over again in my head, asking the same questions.
Unfortunately, these are all normal feelings and thoughts in response to an abnormal situation. It can be the hardest task just to get through your day without breaking down crying or numbing out into space.
I want to share with you some tools that can help you manage these painful emotions; this is not to say that these feelings or thoughts will go away, but these tools can hopefully help reduce the intensity of your experience. This information will focus on DBT Distress Tolerance Skills.
The following suggestions are from Marsha Linehan’s Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skills. DBT is an evidence-based therapeutic approach that provides skills to manage strong and/or painful emotions, improve our behaviors’ effectiveness, and synthesize opposites (e.g., I can love my husband/wife and feel hateful towards him/her because I can no longer trust him/her).
Right now, you are managing a crisis. You need to take care of you. DBT describes crisis management as distress tolerance. This distress still remains, but you are able to tolerate the pain with some skills. While you are surviving this crisis, have this goal in mind: I don’t want to make this situation worse than it is for myself.
Remind yourself that this crisis is temporary, although extremely stressful.
Give yourself time and space to process. You may feel pressure to resolve your feelings and relationship now, but it’s best to take some time before making important decisions.
If you feel that you are going to highly react to your partner, other people, or to yourself in this situation, use this DBT skill: STOP
Stop- Physically and mentally remind yourself to stop. Do not react.
Take a Step Back- Take a deep breath. Take a break.
Observe- What are you feeling? What’s going on within you? What has the other person said or done? Your feelings and experience matters.
Proceed Mindfully- Act with increased awareness that you processed during your break and observation. Think about your goals, and how your reaction can better or worsen this situation.
If you need to change your intense emotions quickly, focus on your senses. DBT uses a TIP skill to follow:
Temperature: Your body is probably pumping with cortisol, your heart’s racing, and your skin could be overwhelmingly warm. Find some ice water, sit quietly, and submerge your face into this water, for at least 30 seconds. You can also press a Ziplock bag filled with cold water onto your face. This will help you calm down fast, slow down your heart rate, and redirect blood flow.
Intense exercise: This helps calm down your body when you’re overwhelmed for a while. This exercise can be brief. Sprint, powerwalk, do push-ups, or jumping jacks to help release your tension.
Paced Breathing: Focus on your breath, breathe deeply, and slow it down. Breathe out more slowly than you breathe in. You can practice 4-2-7: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 2, and exhale for 7 seconds.
Paired Muscle Relaxation: You can tense and then relax your muscles while breathing out slowly. Notice the tension. Breathe into the tension. Here’s an example of progressive relaxation you can follow: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClqPtWzozXs
Sometimes you just want a break from the focus on this crisis, and this is where distracting comes in. Distracting is different from avoiding. Avoiding means you’re deliberately ignoring your feelings, stuffing them down, and not taking time to feel your feelings. Distracting is temporary, has the intention to give you a break, and helps you regulate knowing that you will return to those previous feelings.
Some distraction ideas: Watch your favorite TV show. Clean your kitchen. Walk the dog. Go to dinner with a friend. Solve a jigsaw puzzle. Count to 10. Do something thoughtful for someone else. Watch reality TV about other people’s difficulties.
Create different emotions: Watch a scary movie. Listen to very loud, exciting music.
Part of taking care of yourself means self-soothing. Our senses can help us feel better.
Vision: Buy some flowers. Look at the stars. Sit in your backyard & watch tree branches flow.
Hearing: Pay attention to sounds of nature, the city, turn on the radio.
Smell: Shower with your favorite shampoo or body wash. Light your favorite candle. Boil cinnamon. Open your window and smell the fresh air.
Taste: Eat your favorite foods. Eat a peppermint or eat something spicy. Chew some gum.
Touch: Take a long bath or shower. Lay under a weighted blanket. Put clean sheets on your bed.
Sometimes we just need one small change to help us bear to stand in this present moment. We are able to improve some of these difficult moments with intention.
“Imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe” (Linehan, 2015)
Find purpose in this situation
Prayer
Practice yoga, stretching, and getting a massage or facial.
Focus your attention on physical sensations in the present moment.
Take a brief vacation: go to the beach for the weekend, take a one-hour work break, stay off social media for the day, pause from taking care of others
Give yourself affirmations: I’m doing the best I can. I will get through this. I will be okay. I have the right to honesty, love, and care. I am stronger than I thought.
My hope is that these suggestions can help you push through these crisis moments with some relief. You’re feeling intense pain that cannot be easily fixed, and it’s important to give yourself the grace and time to grieve, feel your feelings, and to be kind to yourself with nonjudgement.
All of this information is from Marsha Linehan’s Module 4 of Distress Tolerance Skills in DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (2015).
Do you find that you are struggling to regulate symptoms of betrayal trauma? Are you curious about other ways The Haven may be able to help? While managing the crisis after uncovering betrayal trauma can feel overwhelming there are effective tools you can learn that will support you as you process and heal. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal trauma, complex trauma, addiction, and rebuilding relationships.
About the Author
Anna Taylor is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Associate, Associate Partner Trauma Therapist, Gottman Level 1 couples’ therapist, and a Prepare/Enrich Facilitator. Anna specializes in working alongside betrayed partners as they manage the acute crisis and develop self-regulation skills in order to promote healthy grieving and self-compassion.