Security Within: How Our Sense of Self Influences Our Relationships
Security- the state of being free from danger or threat
The Filtered World
Imagine: everyone walking around the world wearing a series of filters around their head that is connected to their heart. Between all people, but especially in intimate relationships, there is information being passed back and forth, about respect, affection, emotional states, emotional availability, and so on. The literal words we use only make up about 20% of the package, with 80% being nonverbal communication (including tone of voice). So we send out a message that we usually only pay moderate attention to the 20% and it gets passed through our filters. The message lands on the other person’s filter and passes through it before they process it. Hopefully, our filters are set up to see both ourselves and others in a generous light, with grace for mistakes, delight in successes, and the ability to protect ourselves from a place of confidence and kindness. But it isn’t always this way.
As children, we each had limited access to language and limited ways to interpret the world. The ability of the adults around us to see us in a positive light through their own filters, their capacity to assist us in articulating our experiences, and their role as a safe harbor, in an otherwise alien world, help shape the filters we will develop as adults. These filters are made up of our own physiology, emotional state, previous learnings about the world, hopes, fears, and expectations. In intimate relationships, the core messages are about our longing.
Let me give an example: Greg is 2 and a half. His brain is focused on learning how the physical world works around him and he explores that using all 5 of his senses, including how crayons feel when they’re rubbed on different surfaces–like a wall. His parents might have a filter that says that children are born bad and need harsh correction to grow into good adults, and might yell at Greg and make him feel as though he is a bad child. The parents’ filters might influence them to see this behavior and respond as though there’s a real threat, losing control of their emotional regulation and being aggressive rather than redirecting the child’s age-appropriate behavior to a more appropriate surface.
Depending on his temperament and previous interactions with his parents, Greg might feel deeply sad and confused, and also frustrated in being interrupted in his explorations. A well of surprising, different emotions and sensations rises in his tiny body. He bursts into tears well outside of his control as his body responds to its own internal feedback system, or how he registers and stores this new experience. In fact, his brain is working fast, drawing conclusions for him and spitting them out without his request. The interaction might be interpreted as negative and Greg might start to believe I am a bad person, I never do anything right, or If I do what I’m interested in, people don’t like it. Depending on how consistently Greg’s brain draws the same conclusion, it begins to form a filter.
What if Greg’s brain consistently lands on the personal meaning I am a bad person and people don’t like me? Depending on other factors, like what behaviors get intentionally or unintentionally reinforced, Greg’s behavior changes to reflect this painful belief. Over time, he might become hesitant to engage and disconnect from what he genuinely wants and needs. This could leave him lost and drifting. He might become deeply angry due to the perceived shame placed on him and still feel like a bad person inside. He may overachieve and people-please in professional and romantic success but with a dose of resentment. The personal meanings and behavioral patterns will keep Greg insulated and isolated, not only from others but from his true self.
Therapy and philosophy have created a bunch of different names for these filters. The lens I am using today to look at this phenomenon is called attachment theory. Attachment theory states that people play out their internal working models of relationships based on their early experiences with attunement. Attunement, briefly, means to be aware or responsive. When a parent consistently evaluates, recognizes, and effectively meets a child’s needs enough during childhood, the child grows up believing that the world is basically safe. The child trusts others, but also themselves. When this attunement is disrupted by various confounding factors, like trauma, harsh life circumstances, certain physiological factors, etc., people grow up with ‘insecure attachment styles. Early in our development, we need others to notice our distress, help us resolve our distress, and put words around what we experience.
We need the adults around us to be calm when it's appropriate and to be heightened when it's necessary. When that doesn’t happen, we make sense of it the best way that we can. These expectations of self and others blend into an “internal working model” that is so basic to our movement in the world that it becomes invisible to us much of the time. We’ll discuss some of the language that goes along with these filters, and then shift to some information about boundaries and how they can help us feel more secure within ourselves.
How do we know when our filters are activated?
Physiological signs
Changes in muscle tone
Changes in heart rate
Flushing face
Tingling hands
Changes in breathing
Emotional signs
Sense of urgency
Despair
Rage
Desperation
Numbness
Mental signs
“Always” and “never” statements about self or others
Ruminating or looping thoughts
Hiding or deceiving
Stuck in the past, not in the here and now
Disregarding legitimate effort and progress
Low or no ownership of own emotions and behavior
Unable to see partner’s point of view, even in disagreement
Complaints or potentially neutral comments land as criticism
Behavioral signs
Demanding partner to stop or change their emotions
Unable to use relational skills
Rigid or punishing behaviors
Not maintaining healthy boundaries for fear of being punished, having internalized shame, etc.
Note: Ensuring that you are having mostly positive interactions with others is your responsibility. When you maintain relationships where you are consistently treated disrespectfully, it damages closeness and intimacy with yourself. Here is an example of a Healthy Boundary: “Hey, I know you’re upset and I want to hear what you have to say. But I won’t stay in conversations where I’m being called names. So if name calling happens, I’m going to end the conversation and go get ready for bed.”
Attachment
As adults, we tend to fall into camps of secure, anxious, dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant attachment styles. An attachment style is just one of the filters we use to see and interpret the world around us. It's closely connected to our nervous system, so our reactions to attachment-related situations happen quickly and feel deeply ingrained. We become very certain of our interpretation of others, and this is dangerous when we also don’t trust ourselves to function well in relationships. This is what leads to thoughts like “I need him to share his emotions with me right now or I might explode”, or “I need her to back off and stop saying what she wants because I will never measure up and she will never be happy.”
Securely attached individuals trust themselves to fulfill their own needs, appropriately depend on their partner for support, are honest when they can't meet their partner's needs, communicate assertively, and avoid over-analyzing or assuming their partner's thoughts and feelings. From within theirselves, they set boundaries to protect against harm, evaluate if their relationships are beneficial or harmful, and handle interpersonal conflict with integrity. This helps them form safe, meaningful connections with others.
Anxious people often rely too heavily on their partner to fulfill their needs, lack trust in themselves to do so, and become highly distressed if their partner seems unable to meet their needs, leading to overreaction and catastrophizing based on their own perceptions filtered through their experiences. They take either too much or too little responsibility for self and others. Often, these folks struggle to stay grounded and feel safe when there is a perceived distance in their relationship and will get bigger and bigger trying to close any potential gaps. When in relational distress, they will often use a lot of words, repeat themselves, and demand immediate responses.
Dismissive avoidant people tend to over-rely on themselves to meet their needs, shutting out possibilities for connection, which feel deeply risky to them. They do not trust others to care for them or to care for themselves effectively. They often experience themselves as being overly giving, which might surprise people in their lives who frequently see them meeting their own needs without considering others. When in relational distress, these folks often struggle to put words around their experience. This is frustrating for their partner, who makes their own (often catastrophic) meaning of the outward silence.
Anxious-avoident, or insecure, attachment keeps some spiraling in their own pain. Often the instinct is to look to their partners to fix it for them or to do something differently. This is a time when two things are true: It’s an important relationship skill to be able to ask for what we need, and it’s important that we do our best to meet our own needs. Relying on other adults or our children to heal our insecure attachment is a losing game. Briefly, this is due to our developmental stage.
At a certain point, not even our early caregivers can repair an attachment wound. While there is grief in that, there is also hope. Our attachment remains flexible throughout our life, allowing us to make progress towards more secure attachment where both self and others are held in balance.
Boundaries and How They Help
Developing internal security, or security within ourselves, has many layers. This includes developing protective and containing boundaries. Protective boundaries are meant to help keep us safe, while containing boundaries keep positive things in and keep our wounds from harming others. An example of a protective boundary is disengaging from an argument when it becomes disrespectful, or staying away from people, places, and things that are related to addictions. An example of a containing boundary is walking away when we are becoming too activated in an argument, using assertive language when someone is rude to us, or directing our money towards bills and investments rather than passing pleasures (all things in balance). Many boundaries function as protective and containing, and who doesn’t love a dual function?
So how do we use these concepts together to help ourselves be a safe partner in a safe relationship? How do we start to experiment with more secure behavior patterns? Making requests of our partner is where a lot of people start and then become quickly frustrated. “I’ve expressed my need, my partner seems to hear me and makes more effort, but I’m still anxious” is often an indicator that we need some internal security. We can choose to adjust our own behavior and worldview. We can choose to play out anxious or avoidant patterns once we’re aware of them or we can choose to behave more securely by being honest with ourselves and clear in our communications with others. Can you develop ways to check in with frightened or angry parts of yourself, turning towards yourself with compassion? When you soothe activated parts, can you find a softening towards your partner? To achieve our desired outcome of safer relationships, we sometimes need to use our boundaries in how we respond to people, even if it goes against our initial instinct
So when your avoidant partner shuts down or your anxious partner speeds up, assume your own filters are also clicking into place. When we are in unhealthy cycles, these filters tend to lead us into self-protective modes. There’s a difference between honoring your need to be in a respectful relationship with protective boundaries and trying to dominate or persuade your partner. Within you, there is a place of calm certainty where you can act in secure ways even when you have angry, sad or scared feelings.
The Unfiltered World
You can opt to continue pushing for them to meet your needs, which often ends up with both of you feeling worse; or you can pause, take yourself out of that activating situation, and self-soothe with a variety of methods. The goal of self-soothing is to reduce your activation and support clear thinking and communication. Then when your nervous system is feeling safer, you can communicate what you saw, how you interpreted it, how you felt emotionally, and get curious about what was happening for the other person. You can ask this last question directly or you can make a guess at what was happening. I encourage people who are stuck in negative cycles to loosen their certainty that they “know” what the other is thinking and feeling. By continuing to notice, accept, and attune to yourself and your partner, you increase attachment security. With consistency across time, this changes the pattern within your nervous system and your pattern with others. So when you see your partner slowing down or speeding up, you remain safe with yourself and can be a resource for yourself and potentially for your partner as well.
The actual process of doing this can be messy, painful and confusing, like anything that supports our growth. It is scary and feels weird to deliberately try something that goes against our internal working model. When our internal model is insecure, we have the right to try to change it. It can help to pendulum between actively choosing the boundary and self-soothing. For example: As an adult, Greg lets his partner know that when they discuss heavy relationship topics when he is at work, it’s very distracting for him and his mood and causes his performance to suffer. She and her feelings are important to him, so he will make sure to make time to talk through things after his workday. His partner might communicate her worry that this will not happen. This might activate one of Greg’s filters that says he’s being threatened and he has the option of reminding himself that his partner is sharing her experience, which is a positive and healthy thing. He can take a deep breath (self-soothing), say that he understands her worry (validating), and will make sure to prioritize these conversations by writing it on a calendar together or setting a reminder in their phones. When Greg follows through, it builds safety for both of them. Each is working to care for themselves and for the other. This frees us from the impossible task of changing our partner, changing ourselves through self abandonment, or numbing ourselves.
Relationships can be hard to navigate. But when both partners learn to tune into themselves and work towards healing past wounds, they can create a foundation of trust and understanding that strengthens their bond and paves the way for deeper connection and growth together. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating attachment wounds, trauma, addiction, and relationships.
About the Author
Morgan Hanley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapist (EMDR), and Couples therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 2. Morgan works with clients to heal attachment wounds, family dynamics, and intimate relationships as each system relates to complex trauma responses.