My Partner Has An Addiction… Now What?
Just after celebrating their 1st wedding anniversary, Wendy found a cabinet in the basement full of empty whiskey bottles. She knew that her husband, Mike, drank on the weekends with his friends, but she didn’t know the extent of his drinking. It seemed that he was drinking alone, and more importantly, that he was hiding it from her.
This created tension between the newly married couple. Wendy contemplated many different scenarios in her head. She wondered if she should ask her husband about the drinking, and then worried what his reaction would be.
Wendy loves and cares for Mike. Of course, she is afraid there could be serious consequences for him. She also feels he has broken a huge trust between them and doesn’t know what she should do for herself…and her future. Just 2 weeks before finding the hidden whiskey bottles, Wendy received a positive pregnancy test. Wendy questioned everything. She felt like she had nowhere to go or no one to talk to.
So… what can Wendy do? Let’s talk about it.
If this is hitting close to home and you can relate to Wendy’s story, in all or some ways, know that you're not alone. If you are a partner of someone with an addiction, there’s no wonder you feel confused, afraid, angry, anxious, or betrayed. It’s also normal to still want the best for your partner. You can love them and still need some separation. You can have compassion for them and not want a relationship with them. You can attend recovery meetings with them and still make time for yourself. This time is about YOU and your decision for how you want to move forward. Allow yourself to focus on what's best for you and allow your partner to do the same for themselves.
Decide What’s Best For YOU
Finding out your partner may have an addiction looks different for every individual and family. As you read through this, please be mindful of your situation and circumstances and not compare your journey to others. This healing process is not a “one size fits all”. At the end of the day, making the decision to offer help is your discretion.
I want to normalize some concerns you may have if you decide to be a part of your partner’s healing and recovery. Like Wendy, she was fearful of Mike’s reaction if she mentioned finding the whiskey bottles. Your safety comes first. If at any point you feel unsafe with your partner, seek out emergency personnel.
Be mindful of how much energy you put into trying to get your partner help. If they are ambivalent or refuse to get help, know how much energy you have the capacity to dedicate to this and your boundaries. It’s important to take care of yourself first. You are allowed to walk away and there are people available to help you in that process. If your partner is willing and motivated to seek out help, keep in mind their personal needs and boundaries in early recovery.
How To Support Yourself
The best way to support yourself is to focus on your immediate needs. Individual therapy allows you to help yourself and get the tools needed for your healing through all of this. At the same time, you might feel like other people in your life don’t “get it”. Finding support groups has proven to be so beneficial for personal healing. You meet a group of people who truly know what you’re going through and can relate. At our practice, we love groups! We offer a betrayal trauma group for partners of those who have experienced infidelity, including those with partners who have a sex or porn addiction.
There are also options for more community support groups for partners and family members:
Al-Anon, for those who have been affected by someone’s alcoholic addiction
Nar-Anon, for those affected by someone else's drug addiction
Parents of Addicted Loved Ones (PAL)
Alateen, for the teenager affected by alcohol addiction
Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing (GRASP), for those who have lost someone to a substance
SMART (self-management and recovery training) Recovery for Family & Friends
NAMI Support Groups for Family and Friends
How To Support Your Partner In Addiction Recovery
If you choose to, one way to support your recovering partner is to learn more about addiction and what recovery can look like. Addiction is a disease, and while your partner should take responsibility for any emotional turmoil and hurt that they have caused, it’s imperative to understand that addiction is a change in the brain and body. Supporting your partner means respecting their boundaries, avoiding triggers such as drinking around them, talking about drugs or strip clubs, going to bars, etc., and recognizing that recovery takes time and change doesn’t happen quickly.
When There Are Kids Involved
One of my favorite sayings is “kids are like sponges, they absorb everything you say and do whether you know it or not”. And it’s SO TRUE. Maybe your teen isn’t opening up or communicating their feelings on what you all are navigating right now. As I mentioned above, Alateen groups for teenagers in the family of addicts are super beneficial as an outlet for the teen to chat with others about their shared experiences. It’s a way for them to know they aren't alone, and they’re able to connect with people their age.
If you’re wondering how/when it’s appropriate to tell your kids about their parent’s addiction, here are some things to take into consideration. How old is your kid? Maturity is a big factor in their understanding and conceptualization of what is going on within the family system. Even asking your child if they WANT to know, or if they have the emotional capacity to take it all in. Timing is another factor to consider. Does your kid have a big test this week? Do they have a playoff game the next day? Being mindful of the timing of disclosure AND allotting enough time to process with your kid in the days and weeks to come. Maybe your partner is going to a 30-day residential facility for treatment. How do you tell this to your kid? Well, that is up to you and your partner. Kids, especially younger kids, love to ask questions! I suggest for the younger ones, keep it broad like, “Dad is on a trip to get healthy again, but will be back in a few weeks!” It’s whatever you deem appropriate for your kids. You know them best! Reassurance, validation, and connection with yourself and the kiddos will be vital during this time.
Talking It Out
Some people even have a friend or family member that they deem a safe person to confide in. Other people may feel a sense of shame or embarrassment and may not want to share details of their situation with a family member. Whatever you decide is up to you. What I find helpful when I talk about various impactful life events with my safe person (who is also a good friend) is I start with, “Do you have the capacity to listen to some tough things that are going on?” This allows the person to acknowledge your need to talk and gives them the opportunity to find a place and time where they can be fully present for you. Next, depending on your wants, needs, and goals of the conversation with your safe person, you may say, “Hey, I just really need someone to listen right now”. Maybe YOU don’t have the capacity to listen to solutions or bounce ideas back and forth ideas right now. The emphasis here is on your ability to be vulnerable, honest, and help yourself. “Bottling up” our emotions may have been the norm for us in the past; now is the time to seek out what you need, for YOU.
3 TIPS TO REMEMBER:
Prioritize yourself and your well-being.
Your healing journey IS supporting their recovery.
Group support is vital.
It is your partner's responsibility to initiate their recovery, and it’s your responsibility to take care of yourself! Know that pain, hurt, and betrayal from the addiction are normal. However, with support, therapy, and assistance through the recovery process, you can work toward self-compassion, grace, and a greater understanding of your need to empower yourself in this healing journey.
If you are struggling after discovering your partner's addiction, you are SO deserving of support. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating attachment wounds, trauma, addiction, and relationships.
About the Author
Devon Weathers is Clinical Mental Health Counseling graduate student and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist candidate. Devon specializes in working with individuals with process addiction, substance addiction, trauma, and relational issues.