Grief and Loss
A few years ago, I was in a big transition. I remember feeling so confused as to why my body was responding with great stress, tension, and anxiety as I was navigating how the next stage would look in my life. I attributed this feeling to many unknowns ahead and just felt a sense of heaviness that I couldn’t name in a way that encompassed the depth of uneasiness. I remember confiding in a trusted superior who helped me classify this tension as a grief I was experiencing.
“GRIEF?! What do you mean grief?” I thought to myself.
As she continued, she explained the depth of how grief manifests and is held in the body. As I gained a deeper understanding of what is encompassed in grief, I remember feeling a sense of lightness and a weight come off of (or leave) me. Not only was my experience validated, but also the naming of the loss I was feeling allowed me the safety, time, space, and ability to seek the encouragement I needed in navigating this loss. It became much more tangible.
The grief I was facing was a loss of predictability and a loss of structure at this stage of life. Everything felt like it was in chaos and I felt stuck in a cycle I did not know how to break.
How Grief Shows Up
Many people associate grieving with death. However, grief is not limited to the loss of a person.
Grief shows up with the loss of an opportunity, the loss of an idea we pictured for our future, or even the loss of what we have classified as “normal.”
Maybe your grief feels fluid or abstract and it feels difficult to trace the pain back to the start of the uneasiness. Perhaps your grief is rooted in tangible events, such as being betrayed in a relationship or discovering an addiction in someone you love. Maybe your grief resonates the most as you are healing your inner child or any trauma, hardships, or injustices you have overcome during this life.
Grieving has no walls or limits. Normalizing this sense of loss allows us to normalize the experience of other emotions that may coincide with it, including a desire to feel seen or understood, empathy for ourselves and others, confusion, and even anger that may appear.
5 Stages of Grief
Grief is a part of our human lives and often comes in waves and stages. It can feel confusing when we feel like we have regressed in our process. However, understanding the stages of grief as a continuum rather than linear will aid in the expression of pain and the healing we are working toward. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross describes the stages of grief* to include:
Denial
This stage of grief allows us the ability to cope and survive by questioning the reality of the loss. Denial might be refusing to believe the loss has occurred or maybe even denying the magnitude of impact that the loss will have on life as we knew it before the loss. For each of us, denial may look different because our body is working overtime to limit how much we can take in at a single moment in order for us to continue to function in the world. Some may cope with denial by busying themselves with distractions to drown out their sorrow, while others may avoid places and things that remind them of the loss. In denial, it may seem like things have not changed.
Anger
When feelings of anger come up, it may be directed toward the loss and a sense of powerlessness. Kübler-Ross describes anger as “a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to (the loss).” Anger may show up as resentment toward others as not to face the loss or as envy toward others who may minimize the experience of your grief and loss. Putting a name to this feeling and allowing space for it to be safely expressed is important in the grieving process. Anger can feel like power in a situation that feels powerless. The freedom to express anger allows for ultimate deeper healing as grief continues to evolve.
Bargaining
Questions in this stage might sound like “what if…” or “if only…” and may include self-blame as we try to make sense of what we’ve lost and how our grief is showing up. In the bargaining stage, we might replay the past and wonder what we could’ve done to elicit a different result. Bargaining includes promises of changed behavior to yourself, others, or a higher power - if only you could experience life without the loss once more. It is normal to still experience feelings of anger and denial as you continue to wonder about and question the loss in this stage.
Depression
This stage is often characterized by the intensity of the loss we experience in the present moment, distinct from repeatedly dwelling on the past. This intensity of sadness and loneliness might feel like it is bleeding into other areas of your life. You may have also noticed this feeling impacting other relationships around you. Following a loss, feeling trapped and uncertain about the duration of this depression following a loss can be incredibly frustrating and disheartening. In this stage, you may notice isolation or loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities. Recognizing how depression shows up for you is an important component of grief work. Utilize resources like social support or therapy as a way to help provide stability and understanding, especially as depression may persist longer than the duration that feels manageable on your own.
Acceptance
Some may confuse the word “acceptance” with “minimizing” grief. Rather, acceptance is about acknowledging the loss and moving towards a place of empowerment by establishing a new sense of "normalcy." Acceptance might mean asking yourself “How can I adjust to life after this loss?” The goal of acceptance is not to replace the loss. The goal is to create newness in rituals, relationships, and connections with both yourself and others around you.
Honoring Loss
Human suffering for many people is related to love and loss. The role of a therapist is to help in acknowledging, processing, experiencing, and developing the capacity to cope with the realities of life.
When we feel validated for the grief we are facing, it feels much more bearable to be vulnerable. Naming our pain further promotes overall healing and movement through the different stages of grief.
Feeling our emotions allows us to gain a deeper understanding of the underlying needs they communicate. Our feelings are information! Our needs influence the experiences and expectations that are part of our story. Our suffering is so much more than interruptions in our daily lives–it connects us in our most intimate individuality as people who have faced a loss in life.
Reflect on ways you have honored your loss and notice where you may be feeling stuck in the stages of grief. Reach out for support and know that your pain is valid, and you are not alone in this journey.
If you feel alone or stuck in your grief, know that you deserve a safe space to express your pain. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal trauma, complex trauma, addiction, and rebuilding relationships
About the Author
Evelyn Bostany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) trained therapist, and Couples therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 1. She works with clients healing from trauma, attachment and relationships wounds.