A Recipe for Resentment: What is Resentment and What Do We Do With It?
The audacity.
The absolute unmitigated gall.
How dare he.
Does she have any idea the s*** I put up with?
These are some of the thoughts that play in my brain when I’m feeling resentful towards someone. In my body, I notice a hot, tight ball in my stomach and my shoulders draw together behind me. It feels similar to righteous anger. There’s adrenaline in it. If I’m honest, it can sometimes feel good. Then again, so do many things that have long term painful consequences that I would rather avoid.
In all honesty, when I’m in my resentment, I feel superior to the person I’m comparing myself to. It pairs beautifully with a martyr complex, a really stuck relationship, and a lack of power. But what is resentment really? The formula I’ve come up with for resentment follows:
(Anger + Blame + Secrecy or Isolation) x Time = Resentment
Let’s break that down into parts.
Anger
We’re all familiar with the feeling. It serves a few important purposes in our lives: to get us energized, to let us know when our sense of justice has been offended or a boundary has been crossed, and to protect ourselves and our loved ones. This feeling provides a valuable piece of information about our world and is hugely impactful on our relationships. Unfortunately, it also tends to knock our frontal lobes offline, interfering with our decision making abilities. Have you ever said something to your child or partner that you really, really did not mean to say - at least not like that?
Anger is useful! But, if allowed to rule us and our choices, anger can damage our relationships long term. It can also distract us from the softer, more vulnerable feelings like sadness and hurt. Sometimes our anger isn’t even directed at the person that we’re yelling at, like when we snap at our partner after an unfortunate work incident. Anger is not our enemy, but it can become problematic when it’s our go-to emotion.
Blame
Blame places the responsibility of impact at the other person’s feet, rather than moving towards the impact, picking it up, and dealing with the consequences. It’s easy to connect the dots between our responses and the other person’s behavior. If we simply point at the other person, saying, “I know my behavior isn’t ideal BUT I’m acting this way because of you,” we neatly slip out of our own responsibility to behave with strong relational ethics. What this looks like:
If my husband wouldn’t yell, I wouldn’t shut down.
If my wife wouldn’t nag, I wouldn’t yell.
If my mother had validated me, I wouldn’t be so critical.
If my daughter wasn’t so cold, I wouldn’t criticize her so much.
When we play hot potato with responsibility, we give up our power. We allow other people to be in control of our reality. And while this can protect our egos temporarily, it doesn’t get us closer to solving the problem at hand. When we take accountability for our part, we suddenly develop choices, options, and a plan. The other person most likely has some responsibility also, but we cannot be in charge of whether they take accountability or not. We also cannot take on their part for them, because that is not something that we had power over. We have power over OUR choices and OUR hearts and minds. We can’t force people to accept accountability or affection. It’s something we must come to on our own, often with the help of trusted others.
Secrecy
If I am angry at someone and withhold this information from them, I’m not giving them the opportunity to make repairs. Many times I have found myself stewing in my pot of resentment, furious that the other person is apparently pretending that they’ve done nothing wrong. Eventually, I realize that they probably have no idea how upset I am because I have not told them. Maybe I told someone who would agree with me. Maybe I’ve been ruminating on it for weeks on end. However, I had cut the person I’m most upset with out of the equation.
The longer we keep our anger and hurt to ourselves, the more stories we tell ourselves about that situation. The more stories we tell, the more evidence we find to prove our stories. As we tell ourselves these stories, we will also have fewer opportunities in our relationships to heal. When we share our hurts ethically, with genuine kindness* and radical candor, we serve the relationship long term. Some people are afraid of any conflict in their relationships, no matter how “small.” The momentary discomfort and potential fallout are too scary. This fear is the enemy of improving the relationship, and it robs you both of a chance to actually connect and grow.
While it feels so much neater to just say “secrecy,” there is nuance to it. Another component of this is isolation. Many people feel resentful when they have to repeat themselves to a partner, reminding them multiple times, “I need support with household care tasks, I need emotional support when I have a tough day at work but I can solve my own problems, etc.” The most painful part of these situations is the isolation that we experience - it’s like the other person just doesn't see how it impacts us or they don’t care enough to help. Sometimes that’s true. But without clearly stated needs, boundaries, and consequences, the other person doesn’t have an opportunity to change. If it seems like you’ve shared what’s upsetting you and you feel dismissed, it is probably time to consider what kinds of boundaries you want to implement your relationship.
Time
The longer we stew in our resentment, the stronger it gets.
For example, my partner is incredibly close with his sister. They have a great relationship and talk on a consistent basis. I’m also fairly close with his sister. One day while we were at a restaurant waiting on our takeout, he took a call from her. They talked for 45 minutes, trying to include me, but it was tough. Eventually they hung up and I knew that I had a choice: say something now or stew about it and allow it to ruin my weekend.
I said something immediately, which made my partner uncomfortable in the moment. I let him know the reason I was saying something. Since I was able to express my feelings and he was able to receive them, I could move on quickly and reconnect.
I’ve also withheld information from people before, which kept me separated from them. The relationships where I take the risk of sharing what’s happening for me and take in what’s happening for them are always the strongest ones.
What are some signs you’re in your resentment?
You’ve been chewing on the situation.
You’ve been thinking about it for a long time.
The situation is activating you more or the same amount as it did the day it happened.
You are not assertively doing anything with your feelings.
Your feelings are not improving with contemplation.
Resentment poisons the relationship with the self, with others, and colors our view of the world at large.
The Gottmans discuss the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling). While I have no empirical evidence for this claim, I believe that resentment might be the 5th.**
So, in the future, what would it be like to keep yourself out of resentment? How would this free up your energy, your heart, and your relationships?
Some potential steps to combat resentment:
Recognize resentment using the above markers or the ones that you’ve come to identify in your own life.
Identify what it was about the other person’s behavior that impacted you.
Investigate those impacts.
Attempt alternative interpretations of their behavior (He went quiet because he’s a reclusive jerk vs He went quiet because he was sad and trying to regulate himself).
Note your part in the situation. (Useful questions include: Did I say something in a timely manner, or at all? Did I communicate my hurt in a way the other person could actually hear it? Did I not respect my own boundaries? Were my expectations reasonable?)
Ask yourself: “How do I want to be in the future?”
Do not allow your life to be filled with resentment and bitterness. You deserve better than to carry all of that poison.
*Genuine kindness does NOT mean protecting people from the natural consequences of their actions or avoiding uncomfortable conversations to protect the moment, but a long term focus on health. Genuine kindness is not performative or avoidant.
** The Gottmans spent 30 years researching the 4 Horsemen. I have no such empirical evidence for this statement, but I do see the impact that resentment has on relationships and believe that it does denote a significantly problematic pattern. This post is not in any way affiliated with the Gottman Institute, though I have completed 2 of the 4 levels of Gottman training.
Do you find that you resonate with much of the information presented about resentment? Are you curious about how else we might be able to help? To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating attachment wounds, trauma, addiction, and relationships.
About the Author
Morgan Hanley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapist (EMDR), and Couples Therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 2. Morgan works with clients to heal attachment wounds, family dynamics, and intimate relationships as each system relates to complex trauma responses.