Betrayal has struck our relationship: Now what? Lessons from “Courageous Love”

Some say that love is easy and blissful - something we fall into without control. But if you have been involved in betrayal—on either end—you know that love can be very complicated and even intensely painful. Real love requires an enormous amount of courage. This is because when we are vulnerable with another person, we face the possibility of deeply painful deception, betrayal, and devastating heartbreak. Promises we once felt sure of may lead us to question everything we thought we knew. Joyful memories and milestones of the past may now form painful reminders accompanied by confusion and disorientation. If this has happened to you, you may now be wondering: Is love worth the pain? Is my relationship worth saving? Will I ever love again?

If you are a partner who has been in the betraying position (sometimes referred to as participating partners), you may feel extreme guilt and hopelessness. It’s possible the love you wish to reclaim feels out of reach or undeserved. You may feel like you are floundering and unsure how to mend the damage to your relationship, possibly at the same time as you battle an addiction or destructive habit. You may wonder: Will I ever stop hurting people I love? Will I ever make up for what I’ve done? Do I even deserve love?

There is Hope

While your personal journey is unique to you, know that you are not alone and there are several resources from those who have gone before you. Stefanie Carnes, an expert in betrayal trauma and sex addiction, outlines crucial information and guidance for finding a path back to true and honest love in her book Courageous Love. She and her team have laid a path for individuals and couples like you to find their way back to healing and love. Those who have walked this path before you have learned that this is not a journey we can take on our own, and that every step will take tremendous courage. Whether it feels like you have that courage or not, sometimes courage is something you find along the way, one step at a time. As you learn to cling to any bit of hope you can find, hold to your values, and steadily take steps forward with the help of a skilled therapeutic team, you will find the courage you need to heal from seemingly insurmountable depths.

As you start your journey, be aware:

Betrayed partners: know that it is common to experience PTSD symptoms, and this is normal to experience after a painful betrayal. These may include shame, self-blame, intense fear, hypervigilance, emotional instability, withdrawal, intense reactions to triggers, or constant flooding, among others. Be patient with yourself and practice responding with compassion and curiosity toward these experiences rather than labeling yourself as “crazy” or “broken.” To see progress in your relationship, you will need to learn to identify these symptoms and share them with your partner when it feels safe.

Participating partners: be aware that your partner will likely experience PTSD symptoms following discovery, and these may even increase during the healing process. Be sensitive to their triggers and understanding of reactions even if they seem like overreactions to you. You may be tempted to bring up issues in the relationship outside of the betrayal, or your partner’s part in relationship problems. While these may have existed prior to, during, or after the betrayal, you must be able to put them on a shelf until after you have both gone through the steps of healing and accountability from the betrayal incident. You will not be able to address other problems—especially any that point blame to the betrayed partner—until after the betrayal incident is fully addressed (which may take weeks or months). An individual therapist may help you process some of these feelings when your partner is not present to feel blame.

As you recognize your partner’s triggers, try practicing the following:

Avoid

• Minimizing the betrayal

• Shifting blame

• Gaslighting

• Empty promises

• Withdrawal

• Pathologizing partner’s responses

• Lying

• Avoiding

• Arguing

Try Instead

• Empathy and listening

• Accountability and genuine remorse

• Reassurance

• Open, honest, direct communication

• Actions matching words

• Reliable behavior over time

• Transparency, patience, understanding

• Emotional vulnerability and sensitivity

• Giving space
  

The SUPPORT model can help you in responding appropriately to your partner’s triggers:

Stop and give undivided attention

Understand where your partner is coming from (listen)

Provide empathy (“That must be terrible.”)

Provide validation (“That makes a lot of sense.”)

Openness and willingness to honestly answer questions

Remorse (take accountability)

Touch (offer physical comfort if your partner is open to it)

Now what?

The most important thing you can do is get started with a skilled team of therapists who are knowledgeable about betrayal trauma and (if applicable) sex addiction. Depending on your unique needs, they may recommend starting with collaborative individual therapists, a couples therapist, or a combination of both. The team will collaborate together to ensure you have the best help.

What can I expect?

For healing to occur, honesty must be a foundation for recovery, and thus one of the first important mountains to climb involves a full disclosure of all wrongs from the participating partner. This provides sight to a betrayed partner, who may be floundering in uncertainty, imagination, and fear as he or she tries to grab hold of the unknown. It is painful to lack access to the knowledge of what exactly it is that is hurting you, and thus a full disclosure, done in a supported and prescribed manner with therapists present, is necessary to begin healing. This may initially feel to participating partners that it will only rub salt in the wound, but in reality, disclosure is necessary to clean the wound of the partner before it can heal correctly.

Do’s and Do Not’s

Do Not:

• Try to force this disclosure on your own without the support of therapists.

• Give bits of truth at a time over an extended period (this is called a staggered disclosure, aka “death by a thousand cuts”; this destroys trust and slows healing).

• Only give information when it is discovered by your partner.

• Give unnecessary or graphic details or use slang/jargon about acts (this can increase PTSD symptoms for the betrayed partner).

• Share information in a confusing or disorganized manner.

• Give an incomplete disclosure.

Do:

• Plan for a meeting with both of your therapists (trained in betrayal trauma) present for support and structure.

• Prepare a document, or “disclosure letter” that includes all betrayal acts and facts written in a clear and respectful manner. Write this ahead of time with help from your therapist. Follow structured guidelines.

• Have a support person for each of you after the disclosure session and drive in separate cars.

• Consider taking a polygraph test following disclosure to hold yourself accountable to disclose all betrayal acts, and to provide confidence to your partner that they know everything.

One last thing

You may wonder if this road could possibly be worth it, as the painful process of confronting the pain of intimate betrayal means walking into the depths of some of our greatest fears. It is valid to feel terrified, exhausted, or wanting to be done before starting the journey. A voice inside may say that you are not strong enough, that this isn’t fair, or that it would be better to give up now. Remember that you deserve healing, and you deserve love; the courage to move towards it despite all its risks and threats will be a vital part of overcoming your current situation. You will not be alone in this journey no matter what comes. As you pick up the phone to make that first phone call, know you will only ever need to take one step at a time. Remember that right now, you don’t need the courage to reach the end; only the courage to begin.

Do you find these tips for relationship repair after a betrayal helpful? Are you curious about how else we might be able to help? While each person’s experience of betrayal is unique, there is always hope for healing. To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.

About the Author

Kelsi Wilson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Partner Trauma Therapist, and couples therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 1. Kelsi recognizes the traumatic nature of betrayal as well as the pain and challenges for both partners. She specializes in healing broken trust and helping couples and individuals build new secure bonds in their relationships.