Enmeshment and How to Set Clear Boundaries
Layla’s heart begins to pound and anxiety creeps up her throat as Justin sits in heavy silence again, not speaking. A million questions fill her mind: does he still love me? Is he mad at me? Will he leave? How can I make him happy so I can get rid of this panic in my chest?
Robbie raises his voice in disbelief as Mika tells him how hurt she feels that he had to work late, leaving her to put the kids to bed alone. Doesn’t she understand how hard I work, and how frustrated I am with the constantly competing pressures of work and family? It isn’t fair that I am blamed for things I can’t control.
Jordan and Joan are both at a loss as to how they keep landing in circles. They both feel guilty for having needs and politely tiptoe around difficult issues to avoid causing discomfort, but even as they do this they find themselves feeling confused, disconnected, and distant.
Do you find yourself connecting to any of the above examples? What do they all have in common? In each of these scenarios, one or both partners are taking on their partner’s feelings and reacting to them as if they are their own responsibility. As the partners do so, they notice feelings of reactivity, helplessness, panic, or confusion. Their invisible boundaries separating their thoughts, feelings, and responsibilities from the other person’s are messy or entangled, and neither person is clear on where they themselves end, and where their partner begins. This is a concept that Dr. Murray Bowen defined as enmeshment.
What Is Enmeshment?
Imagine two people trying to stand inside one hula hoop; it may be possible to do, but anytime one of them has to move, breathe, or sneeze, the other person feels unavoidably impacted—whether that means feeling pushed out of the circle, encroached upon, or getting sprayed with snot! None of us would feel comfortable for very long.
If the hula hoop represents our invisible boundary around our personal thoughts, feelings, and responsibilities, sharing the same hula hoop means that when one of us has a feeling—big or small—the other will feel a reaction; what’s more, they will likely feel the room for their own feelings shrink in the limited space, leading to anxiety, panic, defensiveness, or self-abandonment. Inevitably, we find ourselves in either a fierce tug of war of feelings, or a desperate balancing act of pushing our own needs out of the circle to make the other person more comfortable. Neither of these options feels good, and neither is sustainable or healthy.
How Does Enmeshment Hurt the Relationship?
When we are enmeshed, it is difficult to feel empathy for our partner’s feelings because we cannot separate the space for their feelings from the space for our own. We think: “if I validate your feelings, there is not enough space for mine.” It may seem like we are “giving in” or disowning our own reality by seeking to understand more. Any attempts at empathy or validation of the other person’s experience are typically followed by a “but.”
Phrases we might say:
“I get that you are sad, but imagine how I feel!”
“I know you had to put the kids to bed by yourself, but how is that any better from working all day?”
“When you say you had a hard day, it makes me feel guilty. It’s not my fault!”
Put yourself on the receiving end of these statements: they don’t sound empathetic at all! This is because empathy requires healthy boundaries and plenty of space for dual experiences.
On the reverse side, we may respond to the “tightened space” of an enmeshed relationship by giving up ownership of our own needs, feelings, and responsibilities. We might fear losing or upsetting the other person and so avoid saying what we really think or feel. Here we are choosing attachment over authenticity—fighting to keep others close through abandoning pieces of ourselves.
Thoughts we might think:
“I really don’t want to have sex, but I don’t want to make him feel rejected.”
“My opinion is probably wrong. I won’t say anything.”
“He hasn’t said anything since he got home. It’s probably because of me. How can I make him love me again?”
“I made her mad again. Next time I will keep my mouth shut.”
Falling into either of these patterns harms the relationship through limiting authenticity and appropriate ownership, both of which are essential for true intimacy.
Do I Have Enmeshed Boundaries?
All of us can fall into small or large versions of emotional enmeshment in our day-to-day relationships. For some of us, it is a matter of catching ourselves when we fall into knee-jerk reactions that give up our ownership and replacing those reactions with high-ownership responses (see highly differentiated statements below).
For others, we may not even be able to imagine a relationship with emotional boundaries; maybe we struggle with extreme forms of enmeshment or *codependency that stem from a long history of not knowing how to get our attachment needs met in healthy ways. Perhaps our parents exhibited blurred emotional limits with us or assigned us responsibility for their emotions (i.e., “Don’t be sad, you’re making me feel like a bad mom!”), causing confusion as to what it means to have true autonomy. If this is true for you, know that this is not something deficient in you, but rather indicative of painful wounds that deserve deep healing with the help of a skilled therapist so that you can learn to trust in your own power, set healthy boundaries, and fully show up for yourself and future relationships.
Signs that we may be experiencing enmeshment:
We may feel anxious if we are apart or don’t know how our partner is feeling.
We may not have any separate friends or pieces of our lives because of the fear that separateness or individuality may lead to abandonment.
We may try to control how our partner feels.
We may struggle to feel happiness or peace if our partner is unhappy.
We may struggle to argue without feeling under attack or personally assaulted by our partner’s feelings.
Our partner’s feelings, fears, or dreams feel threatening if they don’t match our own or if we cannot “fix” them.
What Can I Do? The Power of Differentiation
Healthy intimacy involves space for both/and thinking, and takes on appropriate ownership and responsibility. It also involves having a healthy balance between the individual self and relationship, without sacrificing one for the other. Here, we are responsible for understanding and responding to our own feelings and needs. We understand that no one is “making us” feel a certain way, and that two realities can exist at once.
Dr. Murray Bowen calls this process healthy differentiation, and emphasizes its power in moving us out of emotional fusion and entanglement. Healthy differentiation means having a clear emotional boundary between ourselves and the person you care about. We separate our experience from theirs and allow their feeling to exist without “jumping into their hula hoop” to fix it, change it, or eliminate it. This also means allowing ourselves to tolerate our feelings being different, knowing this is safe and does not put the relationship in danger. Sometimes healthy differentiation means tolerating our own discomfort (or, our partner’s discomfort) without jumping to each other’s rescue when difficult feelings arise.
Think of it as sitting in the same room with your partner. The fact is that the temperature in the room is 70 degrees; however, your experience is that you are cold, while your partner feels warm. Is one of you lying or wrong? Is one of you less important? No—we can coexist and take care of our own needs (like grabbing a blanket or shedding a sweater!) while validating the reality of the other person’s experience.
When two partners feel two different ways, it does not mean one is wrong, crazy, or invalid. When we hear our partner express their feelings and it triggers a reaction in us, our reaction often has much more to do with our own insecurities and triggers, which are our responsibility to understand and soothe. We can take time to emotionally regulate, breathe, show curiosity towards our own internal reaction, and explore what our unmet need or insecurity might be. This can empower us to take steps to meet our own needs while communicating to our partner in grounded ways.
Highly differentiated statements:
“I feel sad that you worked late and I had to put the kids to bed alone.”
“I’m sorry - that is hard and valid. When I hear you say that, my first reaction is to feel defensive and attacked, but I know that is because I am worried about falling short and letting you down. Maybe I am trying to shield you from feeling your emotion so that I can feel better about my worth. I’m trying to work on challenging that belief in myself.”
“I feel anxious when you don’t answer me right away; I think this is because I have a fear of being neglected and unloved.”
“Thank you for telling me. When I perceive your anxiety, I sometimes feel smothered and want to put up walls. I know this is a defense mode that is not helpful to our relationship.”
“I see that you are sad, and it makes a lot of sense (empathy). For me, there is a feeling of fear when I see your sadness because I worry that I am not enough to make you happy (owning my own feeling and belief). I understand you are allowed to feel sad, and I can work through my own insecurities (pairing both together).”
“I think we both have good intentions.”
“I feel angry and hurt right now, and I care about repairing our relationship.”
“I am not feeling up to being intimate right now, and I really care that you know how much I love you.”
“Thanks for telling me how you feel. Is it alright if I share what’s happening for me?”
One Step At a Time
If enmeshment is constrained space and disempowerment, healthy differentiation is freedom, space, and healthy power! Having clear emotional lines between us benefits the relationship and frees us both to honor self and other. Stepping into our own “hula hoop” and owning our own reality can help us connect to ourselves, show up more authentically in the relationship, and encourage our partner to do the same, allowing both of us to be seen for who we truly are.
*Remember that the internet has a lot of definitions that can cause confusion and add harm. If you are curious about enmeshment, codependency, or addiction, please see one of our skilled therapists!
Do you find that you resonate with much of the information presented about enmeshment? If you are ready to move toward increasing your differentiation and healthy intimacy with self and others, contact us for a free phone consultation or consider our Intimacy Bootcamp Course! Our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating attachment wounds, trauma, addiction, and relationships.
About the Author
Kelsi Wilson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Partner Trauma Therapist and couples therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 1. Kelsi specializes in healing broken trust and helping couples and individuals build healthy, secure bonds in their relationships.
