5 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries
Another hour goes by and your partner is still not home from work. The TV echoes through the house as you sit and wait. When was the last time we had dinner together? Finally, they walk through the door, touch your shoulder, and head for the kitchen without saying a word. Instead of broaching the subject, you turn the volume up on the TV and ignore them.
If you have encountered a situation like this in your relationships that triggers feelings of resentment or overwhelm, this may be a sign you need to set some boundaries. Therapist and boundaries expert Nedra Tawwab defines boundaries as, “...expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.” Setting boundaries can be difficult. People often feel uncomfortable or guilty for setting boundaries, viewing them as a form of punishment or rejection of the other person. However, boundaries provide the opposite: a place for your relationships to continue and thrive. So, how do you set a boundary? At The Haven, we like to use Vicki Tidwell Palmer’s 5 step model for boundary setting that she outlines in her book “Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts.” While this book was written for couples dealing with sex addiction and betrayal, the boundary-setting process it outlines can be generalized to other types of relationships and difficult situations.
The 5 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries
1. Own Your Reality
Before you create a boundary, it is important to take a step back and observe the situation at hand. First, analyze what has happened objectively. What was said or done? Consider our example of the person who is frustrated with her partner for coming home late, and not communicating. If you were in that situation, you might make the following observations:
my partner came home an hour late
my partner did not call or text me to tell me they would be late
my partner touched my shoulder
my partner did not say hello
my partner walked straight to the kitchen.
I turned the volume up on the TV
Next, consider how you interpreted the situation. Did you assume that your partner did not care about you because they came home late without communicating? Did you think they were angry? It is important to recognize that your feelings are a direct result of how you interpreted the situation, not necessarily a result of the situation itself. Keep in mind that people’s actions typically have more to do with them than they do with you.
2. Getting Your Needs Met
After you have looked at the data, it is time to identify what you did not like about the situation. What is it that is not working for you? In our example, you might decide that the lack of communication when your partner is running behind schedule is what does not work for you. Next, consider how you would like the situation to change in the future. This will help you form your boundary.
3. Identify your Power Center
Next, consider what you can and cannot control in the given situation. As a rule, you can only control yourself and how you react. So, in our example, you could not control when your partner came home, or how they greeted you. However, you could control your reaction, which was to turn the volume up on the TV. The realization that you cannot control others can be liberating, as it sets you free from the ownership of other’s actions.
4. Create and Implement your Action Plan
The next step is to take action! You may address the situation on your own, or with outside help such as a counselor. You might make a request of the other person. You may even do nothing, if that is the best option for you. In our example, you might decide you need your partner to text or call you an hour before they are scheduled to leave work if they will be late. Then, you sit down and clearly state this request. It is best to communicate your boundaries when both parties can be calm and focused on the conversation.
5. Evaluate Your Results
Hopefully, you see positive results after the boundary is set. It is normal for individuals to push back on boundaries in the beginning. However, if this resistance continues, you may need to revisit the previous steps. Did you state your request clearly? Has the problem evolved? Is there another more appropriate form of action to take?
While we gave the example of a romantic relationship in the beginning, setting boundaries is a great way to maintain healthy relationships between family, friends, and co-workers as well. You can even set boundaries with the technology you use (although this process will likely be less conversational). As mentioned above, it may be helpful to get a therapist involved if the situation warrants an outside opinion or accountability.
Are you struggling with feelings of resentment and overwhelm in your relationships? Do you have trouble communicating or maintaining boundaries with your partner? At The Haven, our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in rebuilding relationships alongside treating betrayal trauma, complex trauma, and addiction. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation.
About the Author
Jessica is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with a personal and professional passion for supporting women in their journey toward building healthy and intimate relationships with themselves and others.