Letter to a Recovering People Pleaser
When you hear the words “people pleasing,” what comes to mind? What reaction do you have? Maybe someone in your life comes to mind or it’s been used to describe you.
The Impact of People Pleasing
Caring for others and showing empathy are most definitely strengths! But when the cost of minimizing yourself outweighs the benefit of showing up for others, things start to get messy. A people pleaser is someone who anticipates the needs of others, sometimes to the level of sacrificing their own preferences or desires to remain agreeable and be recognized as “helpful” by others. The fear of being disliked or the potential of being an inconvenience can be so crippling that “going with the flow” is a way to reduce this concern. The truth is, there’s nothing “flowing” about minimizing your wants and needs. Examples of people-pleasing may include feeling guilty when you say no, apologizing for things that were not your fault, ignoring your own needs while filling your time in serving others or expressing agreement with something even when it is not fully true for you.
Why We “need” to please others
When working to understand these “people-pleasing behaviors,” you may find yourself asking “Why do I do this?” Although there is not a one-size-fits-all answer, understanding the underlying patterns and purpose of people-pleasing can give insight into why this behavior shows up. The desire to keep peace with those around you may serve as a way to protect yourself or prevent harm. Maybe the role of this behavior is to allow you to stay out of the spotlight for fear of truly being seen. Maybe it stems from a place of feeling disconnected from yourself so you will do whatever it takes to feel a connection with others. Another factor of people-pleasing is a trauma response called fawning. Fawning, or the unconscious reaction to appease or comply, is a way the body works to protect itself from danger and prevent harm. People-pleasing may be related to previous trauma of abandonment, betrayal, or overall self-esteem struggles and can be connected to grasping for a void to be filled through relationships.
Breaking the People-Pleasing Pattern
Setting boundaries for yourself and your relationships encourages autonomy and empowerment. Start small by recognizing and then naming what you actually need in the moment. Give yourself grace to understand that you are allowed to shift your boundaries. You can do this by actively identifying which behaviors bother you and which behaviors you admire in others, while also avoiding making excuses when declining or setting boundaries with others.boundary with someone else.
You are Not Alone
Below is a letter written to a recovering people pleaser. The goal is to encourage reflection on the parts of this letter that resonate with you or remind you of someone in your life who may be trying to break the habit of “people-pleasing”. The hope is that this letter can give you a glimpse into the racing thoughts and fears that you may have experienced or are currently working to break. Notice the parts that resonate with you and reflect on the reactions that show up as you read.
Dear people-pleasing me:
I am so proud of the way you are beginning to listen to yourself and honor these parts of you that have not had a voice for so long. Your younger self would be proud to look up to you and see all that you have overcome in this journey. She would be proud of the ways you’ve been able to show up for yourself because you are allowed to give yourself the depth of love and attention that you give to so many around you. You are allowed to ask for what you need!
I am learning that there is room for great things to come when I am willing to push myself past the fear of awkwardness that may come up when I set a boundary and can stick with it. Actually, I am learning that people WILL have periods of discomfort when I set my boundaries, but my feelings are mentionable and manageable.
When I was labeled as helpful or described as my teacher’s “right-hand man” growing up, I began to find my identity in my productivity and the “shiny parts” that the world admired. I was so preoccupied with acceptance and approval that I would overextend myself with people, projects, and worthy causes as a distraction to guard me against the ultimate fear of FEELING lonely or unseen. This busyness gave me purpose in “belonging” to the group because of what I was able to contribute. I realized, though, that this “belonging” actually left me feeling more isolated because I was presenting to be someone who was not honoring my authentic and true self. I was clinging to the labels that had been placed upon me and I was grasping to maintain my role that had been assumed of me as “the one who would show up for others.” The fear of not living up to others’ expectations left me wondering who I was at the core, outside of what I could contribute to them.
My greatest handicap for so long was a sense of self-rejection and loneliness that I tried to fill with popularity and being liked by others. I have had to learn to love myself for who I am and not for what I have earned or accomplished.
The longing to know myself had to come from confronting and accepting my solitude as a superpower rather than something that felt like it would break me. In embracing my brokenness and believing that I am so much more than the way I show up for others, I could resonate with others’ brokenness and spaces of void in their lives. My role shifted into identifying with someone’s emptiness rather than working to relieve them of these areas or find ways to fill the void for them.
I learned that silence is not about the absence of noise, but rather a process of coming to stillness. The people who joined in this stillness could hear me when I was quiet, meaning they could see the deep wounds I was masking by overextending myself in helping others and minimizing my own needs as a result.
I connect best with others when I am connected with the core of myself. I tend to criticize or resent others in the areas where my deepest emotional needs are unmet. I noticed that these criticisms or moments of appeasing to others were pleas for love and connection. I realized in my people-pleasing that others may admire me for my strengths, but they connect more with me through my weaknesses.
To be truthful and transparent with others, I have had to first learn to be truthful and transparent with myself. The true meaning of belonging is rooted in belonging to myself and never betraying my needs for someone else, EVEN when I may be seen as “helpful” by them. True belonging does not require me to change who I am, it requires me to BE who I am without apologizing or compromising myself along the way.
The internal dialogue I have with myself is the most constant and consistent dialogue of all my relationships on this earth. Many things I have said to myself in the past have been messages that I would never say to people I love or care about. I have begun to accept that I cannot make someone change if they are not ready to, similar to how I cannot wait for others to read my mind when I am choosing to minimize myself as a grasp for filling their need.
The untold chapters of my story are the ones that people want to hear because we all desire to be heard and understood with genuine empathy. People around me are not my competition, meaning a discomfort in their lives as a result of my boundaries does not hinder my journey of healing and growth into who I authentically am as a person.
I am bigger than the way I show up for others. When I assume what someone needs or I take on a larger bite than I can chew, I am harming myself along the way. I have the courage to tell the story of who I am independent of what I produce through the expression of my genuine feelings, and I believe that I am worthy of love and belonging just as I am!
Love,
A recovering people pleaser
If you resonate with this letter, you understand how heavy it is to carry the weight of others feelings over your own. You can release that weight and start your recovery too. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating attachment wounds, trauma, addiction, and relationships.
About the Author
Evelyn Bostany is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) trained therapist, and Couples therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 1. She works with clients healing from trauma, attachment and relationships wounds.