Are We Compatible? Navigating Relationship Differences
Let’s set the scene; a couple is discussing their upcoming weekend. Partner A wants to make a plan so they can schedule out time with friends, errands, a date night, and rest. Partner B wants to take more of a laissez-faire approach and decide what to do the day of. They both start to get frustrated and mockery creeps into the conversation. Partner A says with a short tone, “We won’t get to everything we need to if we just cross our fingers and hope things magically happen as you’d like.” Partner B shoots back, “Yeah but we won’t even be able to enjoy the weekend if you’re so uptight and stick to a schedule like a drill sergeant the entire time”. Both partners cross their arms, eventually huff away feeling stuck and wondering how they even got here.
Does this example sound similar to an argument you’ve had with your partner? I would not be surprised if so, because this is a common relationship problem. When you’re in a conflict like this, it may feel like your partner is just being stubborn or digging their heels in, and it may be harder to see what lies underneath the surface of this argument: two opposite values or traits.
In the case of this example, it’s important for Partner A to feel like they know what to expect and feel more secure by following a plan. In contrast, Partner B values spontaneity and having the freedom and flexibility to make their own decisions in the moment. When we slow down to see what’s underneath the conflict, it’s easy to see that neither of these traits are bad or wrong; Partner A and B have found themselves on different sides of a values-spectrum that can cause friction without knowing how to navigate it in a way that feels better for both of them.
Do Our Differences Mean We Aren’t Compatible?
Every single couple will have traits or values that differ from one another. After all, even couples who are very similar can’t be identical—that’s a good thing! When couples find themselves in conflict over and over again because of their differences, they can begin to worry about their compatibility in the relationship long-term. Some couples wonder if “opposites attract” is a negative thing in relationships or if they should abandon hope for their current relationship and find someone who is more similar to them in personality or needs. This can be a complicated topic with many layers to it, but having differences in and of itself does not mean that you are inherently incompatible.
Chances are you just do not know how to navigate your personality or lifestyle differences and find ways to honor each of your needs. This is what causes the conflict, rather than inherent incompatibility. With enough communication, common ground, curiosity, and openness, you can learn to manage your differences. Actually, being partnered with someone different from you in some ways can help bring balance to the relationship and complement your personality. You can learn from each other in relationships, like how to become more flexible or how to become more prepared. Differences are not bad. They can help you both stretch and grow!
If you’re one of these couples who feels hopeless over your differences and unsure of how to move forward, I want to assure you that you are normal. Just because you have differences and struggle to navigate them doesn’t mean that something is fundamentally wrong with your relationship. What’s surfacing here is something that the Gottmans have labeled as “perpetual problems” in a relationship.
Perpetual Problems vs Solvable Problems
John and Julie Gottman, respected experts in the field of relationship research, have found that all couples, even the healthiest, have both solvable and perpetual problems in their romantic relationships. Solvable problems are issues that arise situationally and a solution can be found and maintained over time. These can surface over anything in the relationship; the key is that the problem can be worked out by the couple fairly simply. In contrast, perpetual problems are issues that center around foundational differences between partners - in personality, values, or lifestyles. These are issues that the couple will need to address over and over again and find solutions each time it surfaces.
Perpetual problems are inevitable in relationships; in fact, the Gottmans have found that they make up roughly 70% of issues in a relationship, meaning that it is perfectly normal to have topics or concerns that come up over and over again. The perpetual problems you have with your partner may be different than the ones you had with another partner, but the amount you have to deal with will be roughly the same in each. The most important thing is not to minimize the amount of perpetual problems you have with your partner, but instead to focus your attention and energy on how to navigate them.
What Gets in the Way?
Where do couples get stuck in navigating their perpetual problems and opposing traits?
Taking a Tug of War Approach
This is one I see often as a couples therapist. You and your partner might begin to pull back and forth in a tug of war battle of disagreement. You try to force your partner to listen without using vulnerability and openness to truly be heard. The language between you becomes critical and defensive. You both make generalizations about each other, using phrases like “you always” and “you never” to describe the other’s behavior. Maybe you think of your partner’s differences as character flaws and mock or criticize this part about them (“You’re so controlling” to a partner who is more Type A, or “You’re just selfish” to a partner who values more autonomy and alone time). Your relationship can become more and more polarized in your differences over time, leading to more misunderstanding and feeling too different from one another. If you stay stuck in this dynamic over time, you can also become more rigid and less flexible making it harder to compromise even in small ways.
Self-Abandoning or Neglecting Your Needs to Minimize Conflict
Either one or both of you may take turns minimizing specific differences to prevent friction. In this case, you or your partner chooses to deny your own feelings or needs to prevent the differences surfacing for fear of causing relationship issues. For example, you may be more organized and desire to have a clean, neat environment and may not voice this to your partner. You may not listen to your own feelings of frustration and need for support with chores. You take on the work to keep the house the way you want it to be without communicating expectations. Another example, you may be the introverted partner and burn yourself out by attending events with your extroverted, social partner. You ignore signs of exhaustion and your need for recharge, and choose to push through to “make your partner happy”. In either of these situations, you don’t listen to yourself (your body, mind, and emotions) or voice things to your partner. This is a recipe for resentment and increases a negative view of your partner without offering them the opportunity to honor the differences. This isn’t fair for either partner.
3. Losing All Your Differences and Enmeshing
The enmeshment dynamic can be similar to the self-abandoning one, but is more holistic and all-encompassing. In this situation, you and your partner both lose yourselves and your differences in order to connect with each other. Instead of feeling angry and resentful, you may feel guilty for having differences with your partner. Rather than honoring and seeing differences as strengths, you both choose to minimize the things that make you unique and autonomous. You become a “we” with little or no “you and me”, and lose yourselves over time.
So…How Do You Navigate Perpetual Problems Well?
Have hope! There are many skills you can use to navigate your differences with your partner in a way that feels better for both of you.
1. Tune into your own feelings, needs, and dreams in perpetual conflicts
Conversations will likely be unhelpful until you are able to identify what’s going on for you in these situations. Take time to explore what you feel when you get stuck with your partner, what you may need to be understood or valued in your differences, and what you long for in the relationship. Explore what may explain your longings in this conflict (i.e. this part of you not being honored in past relationships or in childhood). This can help you and your partner get to what’s going on at a deeper level.
2. Communicate these openly and vulnerably with your partner
Start the conversation by offering reassurance and demonstrating an understanding of your partner's previous experiences in similar conflicts. This may sound something like, “I know the topic of how to manage our weekends has led to arguments in the past and made you feel unheard and unappreciated by me. At the same time, I think we need to talk about this so we can both feel understood and valued in the relationship, and find a way to honor both of our needs.”
Use a softened startup with your partner to express what you’re feeling. This means starting with “I statements”, focusing on what you feel and need, and avoiding blame. Saying something like “I feel anxious when we don’t take time to get on the same page about our plans for the weekend. In the past, tasks that get overlooked on the weekend have fallen on me to get them done. I need for us to at least talk about what we’d like out of the weekend for me to feel more settled and heard”. Allow your partner to do the same!
3. Use a Speaker-Listener technique to find understanding with your partner
This is a technique that does not focus on finding a solution right away, but instead helps you and your partner find clarity and understanding with each other. Each of you take turns being the speaker and the listener and passes this torch back and forth. The speaker should speak only for themself, use “I statements”, share the floor with their partner and share in digestible chunks, and let your partner paraphrase what you’re trying to say. If they are not totally accurate, restate what you said to help them understand. The listener should stay present, focus on what your partner is saying, and paraphrase what you’re hearing in your own words. Don't try to argue with your partner or share your own opinion. Use this technique and go back and forth with speaking and listening to understand more what it’s like for your partner with this perpetual problem.
4. Explore the dreams underneath this conflict
The Gottmans have found that every conflict that a couple gets stuck in has dreams or deep desires underneath the surface for both partners. These can be autonomy, connection, independence, freedom, stability, spontaneity, security… and many more. Finding the dream for yourself and your partner can help you both get behind honoring these things.
5. Seek ways to appreciate and reframe your thinking on partner differences
Rather than focusing on the negatives of your differences, think about what you appreciate about your partner in the ways they are different from you! One helpful way to do this is to think about how this trait of theirs attracted you to them in the beginning of your love story. We may now view our Type B partner as lazy or procrastinating, but we initially viewed these parts of them as refreshingly laid back, calm and collected, and able to manage stress well. Alternatively, while we may now describe our Type A partner as controlling, picky, and anxious, we initially liked their organization, attention to detail, and forward-thinking.
6. Explore where you can be flexible and open with your partner
This is NOT about compromising your core beliefs or self-abandoning your needs. This is simply about exploring where you are open to negotiating things with your partner. For example, when we become rigid and dig our heels in, we may say “I never want to go out on the weekends with you.” However, when we feel heard and are honest with ourselves, we can actually be flexible to being social once or twice as long as we have some alone time to recharge as well. Finding flexibility can help you and your partner compromise and find ways to honor both of your needs. Again, these should not violate your own boundaries and should be reasonable accommodations that both you and your partner can be happy with.
7. Use the resource of couples therapy if you’re having trouble navigating differences on your own
Just like with any skill, it can take time and coaching to develop the ability to honor you and your partner’s needs and differences. There is no shame in seeking support from a therapist who is trained in this to help you and your partner feel heard and find ways to navigate your differences.
When Are We Truly Not Compatible?
Not every relationship is the right fit, so how can you tell when it’s not appropriate to compromise or if you are not compatible?
You are compromising on core values or flexing on your boundaries
If you find yourself not compromising but changing fundamental parts of who you are, abandoning core values that are important to you, or accepting behaviors from your partner that cross your boundaries in the name of “honoring differences”, this is something to explore.
You are polar opposites in some important areas where compromise is not possible
Let’s say you are extremely introverted and your partner is extremely extroverted. If your partner wants to go out with you seven times a week and you would only be able or willing to go out once a week, neither of you may be happy with a compromise in this area in the long-term due to too little overlap. This takes being honest with yourself and your partner on your own feelings, needs, and where you are flexible.
You have attempted the above solutions and still are finding it too difficult to compromise, or you or your partner are unwilling to compromise in some of these areas
It may be helpful to explore how right of a fit the relationship is and what you would need to continue in it. Seeking the support of a therapist may help you find clarity in this area.
Remember that there is a LOT you can work with in a relationship by simply taking the time to understand your partner and yourself, creating an environment of appreciation, and finding ways to compromise with one another. This will take stretching and small sacrifices from each partner and is part of a healthy relationship.
Do you and your partner have a hard time compromising or have opposing values? At The Haven, our team of therapists are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in rebuilding relationships alongside treating betrayal trauma, complex trauma, and addiction. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation.
About the Author
Kirstin Franklin is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. Kirstin helps clients examine relational patterns, get in touch with their needs, and express those needs through vulnerability during the healing process.