Love: The Drug of Choice? Process Addictions & Breaking Free
When you hear the word "addiction," what comes to mind? Do you picture someone struggling to break free from drugs, drowning in shame, and losing hope? Or maybe you imagine a celebrity hiding behind their public persona, secretly battling an addiction that no one seems to understand. Addiction can be all of these things—and so much more. At its core, addiction is a desperate attempt to numb the pain of life, to fill the emptiness with something—anything—that can make us feel whole, if only for a moment. Addiction is a physical process involving major neuropathways with arousal, numbing, fantasy, and deprivation. It works to try and provide a solution to specific uncomfortable feelings.
The truth is, addiction doesn’t always come in the form of a bottle or a needle. Sometimes, it sneaks into our lives through behaviors, relationships, and the very things that are supposed to bring us joy.
Process Addictions: When the Cycle of Denial and Pain Repeats
Process addiction is a term that often goes unnoticed. It refers to addictions not tied to substances, but to behaviors. For some, habits and actions can become compulsive and destructive cycles of denial. We often think of addiction as being limited to drugs, alcohol, or gambling, but the truth is, addiction can take many forms. It can become embedded in something as fundamental as the way we eat, how we use technology, or how we connect in our most intimate relationships.
These behaviors, like eating or shopping, may start innocently, often as coping mechanisms. But over time, they can take on a life of their own, growing stronger and harder to control. Options become limited, and you find yourself reaching for the one way to cope over and over. Your brain gets where it wants to be through the quickest route, not the healthiest or safest one. And when it comes to love and sex, these addictions can be even more insidious. Addiction can often feel like an overwhelming force, something we crave to feel alive, yet something that, in the end, only leaves us feeling empty.
Where Does Addiction Come From? The Roots of Our Pain
You should be aware that addiction is not just a choice. It is often a reflection of deeper, unresolved pain. Studies, including the NIH’s Genetic Markers Study, have shown that addiction can even have genetic roots. Certain gene combinations that regulate dopamine—the brain’s “feel-good” chemical—can make some of us more susceptible to addictive behaviors. For many, dopamine-seeking becomes a way of coping with something deeply painful: a history of trauma, feelings of worthlessness, or the inability to handle overwhelming emotions among others.
But addiction is not just about biology—it is also about the stories we carry from our past. The family dynamics we grew up with. The relationships we witnessed as children. The stories we learned to tell ourselves. If you were raised in a home where love was conditional or where addiction was present, you might have learned unhealthy ways of coping. Over time, these patterns can manifest in addiction as we seek out whatever makes us feel momentarily less alone and less broken. This addiction “solution” works to bring pleasure as a way to obliterate pain, numbness, loneliness, and shame. However, the behaviors become repetitive, often spiraling to compulsion. When acting out becomes reality, it can lead to despair and hopelessness.
At its core, addiction is about emotional survival. It’s about trying to manage the overwhelming pain that life sometimes brings. The truth is, we turn to these behaviors, whether it’s sex, shopping, or substance use, because they offer us temporary relief from the emotional chaos inside. And in that brief moment, we feel in control, even though deep down, we know we’re spiraling.
Multiple Addictions: When One Isn’t Enough
For some, addiction doesn’t stop at just one substance or process. Co-occurring addictions—where a person engages in multiple addictive behaviors simultaneously—are more common than many realize. You might drink to numb the pain, and then turn to pornography to escape your loneliness. The addictions feed each other, creating a dangerous cycle that is difficult to break.
In cross-addictions, the pattern shifts, but the need to fill the void remains. Someone who has conquered one addiction—like drug use—may find themselves turning to another compulsive behavior, such as sexual addiction, in search of that same sense of relief. With multiple addictions, the risks are compounded—financial devastation, physical health problems, and, most devastatingly for many, a deepened sense of shame.
Each addiction builds on the other, forming a web of dependency that traps the individual in a seemingly never-ending cycle of emotional distress. The more we try to escape, the more entangled we become. It feels like there’s no way out. The truth is, recovery is possible. It requires deep self-awareness, honesty, and the willingness to confront the pain that addiction tries so desperately to mask.
Am I a Sex Addict?
Love and sex addiction can often go unnoticed for years, getting confused for healthy relating or problems with picking partners who can’t or won’t meet needs. These separate process addictions often go hand-in-hand with deep feelings of shame, secrecy, and isolation. The emotional toll can be overwhelming, but acknowledging that something isn’t right is the first step toward healing.
Sex addiction is often misunderstood. Many people struggle with the fine line between healthy sexuality and an out-of-control compulsion to seek pleasure or connection. In a society that is quick to judge or demonize sexual behaviors, and also normalize unhealthy ones, it can be incredibly difficult to look at your own actions without feeling like you’re “broken.”
If you are wondering if you might be struggling with love or sex addiction, it’s important to reflect deeply on your behavior and its emotional cost.
Ask yourself:
Do you find yourself consumed by sexual thoughts or fantasies that interfere with your daily life?
Are you hiding some of your sexual behaviors out of fear of judgment or rejection?
Have you ever sought therapy to address sexual behaviors that disturb you?
Have you ever tried to stop/control your sexuality and found yourself unable?
Have you hurt anyone emotionally because of your sexual actions?
Do you feel as though your sexual desires control you, rather than you controlling them? Does it feel as though your sexuality needs control?
After engaging in sex, do you feel emptiness, regret, or depression?
If any of these questions resonate with you, know that you are not alone. Help is available. There is no shame in seeking recovery, and it is never too late to begin your healing journey.
The Love Addiction Cycle:
Love can be intoxicating. When we fall in love, we often feel as though we’re soaring, experiencing a rush of connection and intimacy. But sometimes, that deep desire for connection turns into something more dangerous—something that traps us in a cycle of compulsive behaviors. Love addiction involves a relentless craving for intimacy and closeness, so much so that it can become parasitic, draining both partners of their emotional well-being.
Signs of love addiction include:
Seeking instant emotional connections, desperate for validation
Becoming fixated on another person, obsessing over their every move
Rushing into relationships, attempting to create a sense of belonging or security
Caretaking or rescuing others in a way that sacrifices your own needs
A paralyzing fear of abandonment, which leads to anxiety and desperate actions
This cycle is fueled by anxiety, and that anxiety triggers more compulsive behaviors—texting, calling, over-investing emotionally in relationships. The more you try to control it, the more out of control it feels. Love addiction creates a deep sense of loneliness, even when we’re surrounded by others. It makes us feel as if our worth is tied to the approval of others, like we will perish without a specific relationship
But you don’t have to continue down this path. Recognizing the pattern is the first step toward healing. Recovery is not just about ending the addiction, but about learning how to love yourself again. To build healthy relationships based on mutual respect, trust, and real intimacy.
How to Get Help
Addiction is powerful, not insurmountable. Recovery begins with a single decision: the decision to believe that you are worthy of change, healing, and love. You are not defined by your addiction. You are defined by your innate, human capacity for growth and transformation.
There are various treatment options available, but the most effective approach is one that focuses on honesty, self-reflection, and emotional detox. Therapy can help you break the cycle of denial and self-doubt, teaching you how to reconnect with yourself and others in a healthy, fulfilling way. Group therapy can provide support and connection with others who understand your struggles, offering a safe space to heal together.
Understanding process addiction is the first step toward reclaiming your life. Addiction doesn’t have to define you. It may have shaped your past, but it doesn’t have to control your future. The pain that drives addiction is real, but so is the possibility for recovery.
At The Haven, we understand how overwhelming it can be to confront love and sex addiction. We offer compassionate, confidential support to guide you through the healing process. No matter how deep the pain feels, know that you don’t have to face it alone. With the right support and resources, you can reclaim your life, rebuild your sense of self-worth, and experience love in a way that is healthy, empowering, and authentic.
If any of this resonates with you, it may be time for change in the New Year. To find out if our programs are right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating betrayal, trauma, addiction and relationships.
About the Author
Allison Kennebeck is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate. Allison helps individuals reconnect to their strengths, find forgiveness, and work through anger to discover peace.
