20 Signs of Love Addiction
We sing about it in songs, cry about it in movies, and search for it our whole lives. Billboards advertise it and magazines flaunt tips or tricks to achieve that perfect romance. Let’s face it: we all love love.
So how can I know when I have crossed the line into a love addiction? And does that even exist? How can you have too much of something so good?
Like all good things, it is possible for “love” and romance to be distorted from something healthy, connecting, and wonderful into a trapping, confusing, and often subconscious method for medicating painful disconnection. How can this happen? To start, love addiction is not actually about love at all, but rather revolves around romantic fantasy, idealization, and seeking soothing for unmet needs through relationships. Below are some good questions to ask yourself in determining if this may be showing up for you:
Am I consistently unable to let go of a partner, even when I don’t truly want to be with them?
Am I having fantasies of escape or rescue by a romantic partner to take my problems away?
Have I found myself having sex out of obligation or not being able to say no?
Do I find it hard to distance from a romantic partner even when I know they do me harm?
Do I find myself feeling the need to be in a relationship at all times or feeling panicked or anxious when not in a relationship?
Do I notice feeling a “high” when with a romantic or sexual partner, and/or notice a “crash” afterward?
Do I tend to be attracted to unavailable, mysterious, or inappropriate people?
Do I find myself caught up in or frequently replaying specific fantasies?
Do I notice my emotional state being heavily impacted by whether or not I am in contact with a specific person?
Do I find myself idealizing a specific romantic partner and ignoring or minimizing any negative qualities?
Do I feel intense anxiety or sadness when I am not with a specific romantic partner?
Do I notice myself seeking intensity in relationships?
Have I experienced a decreased interest in my primary relationship, even if it is healthy?
Do I find myself engaging in compulsive behaviors such as sending or checking for messages to/from this person?
Have I found myself in a pattern of repeating unhealthy relationships?
Do I find myself not wanting others to know about my sexual or romantic behaviors?
Have I ever had my financial stability, reputation, or other relationships impacted or threatened by my pursuing of a romantic or sexual relationship?
Have I had sex with someone in hopes they will like or love me more?
Is it difficult to concentrate on other areas of my life because of romantic fantasies or feelings about another person?
Has life felt unmanageable due to excessive relationship needs?
If you answered yes to more than 3-4 of these questions, it may be a good idea to see a trained therapist about potential love addiction. Like all addictions, love addiction often arises in the aftermath of trauma, disconnection, or unmet needs as a child; because of how deeply we need attachment and nurturing from the moment we’re born, any disruption or starvation for this connection can lead us to desperately seek soothing in other relationships. This compass that tells us to connect is a good thing; however, when it becomes fixated or trapped in its search for soothing it can put us in danger of toxic and unhealthy relationships that are difficult to leave. It can also put us at risk for unhealthy behaviors such as acting out outside our committed relationship, ignoring risks such as STDs and/or pregnancy, or enabling others’ harmful behaviors towards us. Above all, love addictions disrupt our ability to experience the true and healthy love that we long for.
What should I do if I think I might have a love addiction?
The good news: there is plenty of support for those experiencing sex or love addictions. Start by finding a specialized therapist familiar with this area. No addiction can or should be handled alone. It will be important to join a support group such as SLAA or a specialized therapy group focused on process addictions or intimacy recovery to access accountability, education, and a network of support in navigating towards healing. Be patient and have kindness towards yourself as you work towards healthier relationship patterns. Remember that you deserve more than the fantasy of romance and unfulfilling cycles of intensity and heartbreak. You deserve love.
Do you find that you can relate to many of the signs that point to love addiction? Are you curious about how else we might be able to help? While love addiction can be difficult to understand and presents itself uniquely in each person there is hope for deep healing and repair. To find out more about our approach or to connect with a therapist that is right for you, contact us for a free phone consultation. Our team of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) are licensed, experienced, and specifically trained in treating attachment wounds, trauma, addiction, and relationships.
About the Author
Kelsi Wilson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Partner Trauma Therapist, and couples therapist trained in Gottman Method, Level 1. Kelsi recognizes the traumatic roots of love addiction that often come from unmet needs or deep attachment wounds.
